The Light Inside Your Dreams
by stardust2002
Summary: Summary: 'She should have known better than to accept a gift from the Gods at face value.' Kara centric story, KaraLee. Takes place shortly after Taking a Break From All Your Worries, AU after that. No spoilers beyond that point. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams - part 1**_

Her period was fifteen days late.

Frak.

She leaned her head against the viper, the cool metal warming her cold, clammy forehead. The constant bouts of nausea were getting worse and she was barely able to hide them. She imagined every look people threw her way was a knowing one. An accusatory one.

_Just admit it already Thrace. You're pregnant._

Multiple times a day for the last two weeks the thought had occurred to her, and every time it made the nausea worse. Starbuck the great and powerful be damned; the thought of having a baby dropped her to her knees in a panic attack.

"You okay?" Lee's words were warm, like the hand he used to splay across her lower back protectively when something was wrong.

She turned back to face him, swallowing involuntarily several times as the bile rose in her throat. His arm jerked reflexively, as if wanting to touch her.

"Fine" she said lightly. The expression on his face darkened, telling her she hadn't quite accomplished it.

"You don't look fine." The impulse won; a hand reached out to touch her arm. The warmth penetrated her flightsuit and made her tremble.

"Just tired." She managed a lopsided grin though her stomach lurched. That funny, uncomfortable sensation in her lower belly took hold of her again and her mind began to chant. _You can't ignore this forever. You have to find out the truth. This baby could be Lee's and he needs to know if it is. You can't live in denial and pretend this isn't happening just because you don't want it to happen. Every time you go out there - every time you live through those G forces you could be damaging the new life growing inside you. What happens if you kill it?_

There was relief at the thought. Having a baby was nowhere to be found in the dance card of her life. It had happened accidentally and regardless of who the father was, ending it before it went any further was probably best.

"I haven't slept well lately," she offered by way of explanation. "I'll take a nap after CAP and then I'll be fine." She was able to smile for real as the nausea began to fade.

Lee took that explanation without question though she knew the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. He wasn't looking at them so often or intently anymore now that he'd made the decision to make his marriage work. There were a lot of things he didn't see.

_One more day,_ she promised the voice in her mind, the nagging one that always told her things she didn't want to hear. _I'll give it one more day. Maybe it's not a baby and whatever it is will go away on it's own_. Deep in her heart she knew she was lying to herself but living in denial was something she'd done so long it had become second nature. She wasn't sure she even knew how to tell the truth anymore.

Even to herself.

**oooooooooo**

She broke her promise. As usual.

The nausea and strange feelings had disappeared during CAP and hadn't returned. Forty-eight hours had passed and there had been no sign of them. _ But your period is seventeen days late._ She was never late. Every thirty days, you could set a calendar by it. It was, ironically enough, pretty much the only constant she could be sure of. Even her own heart, once firm in it's decisions, was now fickle, betraying her at every turn.

Of course the outside influences weren't exactly helping with that either - Lee's insistence that _'they' _were over and he was happy with Dee was belied by his every look at her. Eyes couldn't lie - especially his, and they told her clearer and truer than words ever could that he still loved her.

Sam was still bent on making their marriage work, though she'd done everything from telling him it was over to just using him for sex and sending him away callously to let him know where she stood on that one. But though he seemed devoted she was beginning to hear rumblings about him and other women. No one told her to her face but the rumours were spreading far and wide and like poison ivy she couldn't help but be tainted by them once they'd touched her.

It was ironic. Almost worthy of a laugh. Two men in her life - as similar as could be in some ways, as different as night and day in others. One loved her - said so but didn't really mean it. One said he didn't love her, but couldn't hide the fact that it was a lie. _One of them is the father of the child you're pretending doesn't exist._

She slapped the thought away. She wasn't pretending it didn't exist. It didn't. The nausea and funny feelings had gone away. That mean she'd been wrong. The gods knew it wouldn't be the first time. If anything she was the biggest frak-up history had ever known. And if she _had_ managed to get pregnant despite the mandatory birth control shots then she was an even bigger frak-up than that.

Or an extremely unlucky one.

**oooooooooo**

Three days later she got her answer. She began to bleed. _Well halle-bloody-luia,_ she thought, sticking her 'feminine protection' to her worn panties, conveniently covering up the growing holes.

This time the cramps were fierce. Several times she had to clench her teeth and force herself not to double over in pain. She debated canceling her CAP shift but decided against it. Sitting for three hours would be alright - it would help alleviate the pain. And since she was scheduled on with Hotdog and Jumper - two seasoned pilots, there wouldn't be much chatter and she could suffer in silence. She'd likely get more peace there than in her rack anyway.

Besides, she'd never missed flying because of a period. Her pride wasn't about to let her start now.

She gritted her teeth as she walked down to the hangar bay. The pain was intense and she knew she was scowling at everyone she passed. Couldn't help it. It was better than opening her mouth, trying to be pleasant and instead tearing a strip off some poor soul who didn't deserve it._ Frak! And I thought PMS was bad!_ The pain had never been this bad before. She stopped to breathe and gripped the bulkhead.

"Are you okay?"

She hadn't noticed Lee coming towards her. He looked greyish ... dull ... devoid of colour. Her eyes swam - no, everything looked that way. The edges of her vision began to blacken. _ Haven't we been here before?_ She sank down to her knees, blood pouring down her legs and pooling on the deck as she slid down the wall. _I'm having a miscarriage,_ was the last thought she had before succumbing to the darkness.

**oooooooooo**

She came to in Lifestation, some indeterminate amount of time later. There was a fair bit of noise and confusion, perhaps regarding her? The memory rushed back of her collapse. Her face flamed.

_Lee had seen her this way._

She hated feeling like this around him. Emotional. Vulnerable. Not in control. Well it was hardly her fault if she were miscarrying. _ It's your fault for getting pregnant in the first place_, a little voice reminded her.

The curtain swept open suddenly. Cottle came in, wearing a look of concern, and pulling an odd looking machine behind him, one of the nurses bringing up the rear.

"I'm pregnant aren't I?" she said quietly, blunt as always. "The blood, the pain ... it's a miscarriage."

Cottle looked her directly in the eye. "We're not sure what it is. Do you think you might be pregnant?"

She closed her eyes. "My period is almost three weeks late."

"I see," he said, managing to convey much more than he actually said with just those two words. "I've taken a blood sample but it'll be another hour before we have an analysis. We've done an internal," he added, managing to indicate without words that the nurse had actually performed it, "and discovered a lump in your uterus. It would be consistent with a pregnancy," he said, answering the question in her eyes. "But I'm going to do an ultrasound to get a better look and wait for the results of the blood test before making a diagnosis."

"How long was I out?" she cleared her throat, trying to make her voice sound stronger.

"Maybe ten minutes," he answered dismissively, attention fully on the diagnostic instrument before him.

She flushed deeply. Lee had carried her all the way here? Bleeding and unconscious? She closed her eyes again as Cottle began his test. She hated to have Lee see her vulnerable.

As if on cute she heard Lee's apologetic cough as he poked his head in. "Is she okay?"

"She'll be fine," Cottle said shortly. "We're busy. If you could give us some privacy?"

He nodded, a flush growing in his cheeks. His eyes met Kara's briefly before he disappeared. She closed her eyes again.

_He still cared._

That one glance - one quick peek opened the door into his soul. He still cared for her. It was a sticky situation. Words had been said, things had happened between them ... and she'd once so truly stated there were no takebacks. There was no taking back the fact that they'd declared their love for one another, she'd run, he'd pursued eventually and tried to win her back but she'd spurned him. There was also no taking back the fact that once she'd thought it through and changed her mind she'd found _he'd_ thought about it too and decided he was done with her. That had all seemed rather final. Painful, but final. They'd slowly been working their way back to just a working friendship, only a few steps having been taken on what was going to be a long, long journey.

The look they'd just shared told her one important thing though - he might say he was done with her and that he wanted to save his marriage but deep inside Apollo's shell,Lee Adama still loved her, still cared.

A familiar pain gripped her heart and squeezed her chest tightly. Much as she might tell herself she was okay with just being friends, that she wanted Lee and Dee to be happy together, she still loved him. Still cared more than she should.

_What if the baby is his? What if you killed Lee's son or daughter?_

The grief pounded through her, mixed with shame. Shame because there was a huge part of her that wanted it to miscarry. She didn't want to be a mother. Didn't want to be responsible for a child's life. Didn't want the worry that she'd turn out just like her mother and beat the shit out of her kid _for her own good._

But there was an equal part of shame on another front - she wanted the baby to be Lee's. Not because she wanted to kill his child, Gods no, she'd caused him enough pain already. But somewhere deep inside she wanted to believe that their love - something special and different than anything she'd shared with anyone else, had been what had triumphed and created a new life. Not the 'sex for the sake of sex' that she'd had with Sam. He was a good man, a kind man and he made her laugh and enjoy herself in bed but she couldn't keep kidding herself. She didn't love him.

But that brought up another dilemma - how was it she could be relieved at miscarrying if the baby was Sam's but not if it was Lee's? Somehow it felt more special to her if Lee was the father._ Not like you're ever going to know now ..._

She sighed and covered her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

She was going to frakking kill the next person who asked her that. Kill - she didn't care if it was concern that prompted the question, she was sick of people asking her something she always had to lie about.

"Is it hurting?" Cottle asked of the ultrasound. "We're nearly done."

"I'm fine. Just have a headache."

He grunted. She was glad he didn't laugh out loud, given the absurdity of the situation. Starbuck, possibly pregnant, possibly miscarrying. Extrapolate a little and the possibilities were either hilariously funny or too damn scary to even think about.

"We're done," Cottle said a few moments later, surprising gentleness in his voice. "I'll have Ishay clean things up and then I'll send Apollo in to see you. Unless you'd rather not ..." The eyebrow arched in a suggestive fashion - in almost any other male it could have been mistaken as a sexual gesture. It asked questions she didn't really want to answer. Circumstances however, seemed to be forcing her hand.

She nodded. "It's okay, he can come in."

He gave a single nod then looked meaningfully at Ishay on his way out of the curtained cubicle.

Ten minutes later Kara was freshly attired in a hospital gown, the worst of the blood stains having been washed off. She'd just swallowed some painkillers and pulled the blanket up over her chest when the curtain wavered and Lee's face appeared.

"Knock, knock," he said tentatively, face creased with concern.

"Come in." The amusement in her voice dispelled some of the lines but there was still a definite tinge of worry.

He came in closer and stood by the bed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. She could tell he was nervous.

"Sit down. Here." She patted the bed. It was unnecessary; there was no place else to sit in the small cubicle unless he were to use the floor. "I have something I need to tell you."

Those eight words were some of the hardest she'd ever said.

Lee's face remained impassive though his eyes appeared to deepen. Had to be an optical illusion. Eyes were just eyes, they couldn't be as endless as his seemed.

"I think I'm pregnant."

A flash of something passed through his eyes then it was gone. "How long have you suspected?"

She closed her eyes, unwilling to see his condemnation as she answered. "A couple of weeks."

The silence hung heavy between them.

"You never said anything." There was no accusation in his voice. Surprising.

She opened her eyes. "I'm sorry. As my superior officer you should have been told ..."

"You could have confided in me as a friend." There was nothing but sorrow in those deep, blue eyes.

"Friends?" She wanted to laugh - the irony of it bubbled inside her. A wry smile was all she managed. "We've never been friends Lee."

His eyes closed halfway, perhaps to hide tears. "Funny, I always thought we were friends," he said softly.

"We've never been friends because we could never stop there," she replied just as softly. "There's always been more."

They shared a look of understanding that held a beat, then another ...

He rose. "I'll get Sam. He should be here with you." His discomfort was palpable as he turned to leave.

"I don't want him here."

He turned, evidently not sure he'd heard right. "He's your husband."

"In name only."

They shared another look. He broke it off and she wondered if he too was remembering their conversation in the Raptor when she'd refused to divorce Sam, even after admitting the marriage was meaningless to her.

"It's his child too Kara, he deserves to be here." There was more than a hint of reproof now. The Lee she knew only in those few moments of tenderness, connectedness, was gone and the man with the mask was back. He turned away again, shoulders held high and uptight.

"What if the baby's yours?"

The tension in him grew. She could almost see the shape of his back and shoulder muscles through his uniform as they tensed, ready to fight.

"What if the baby's mine?" he repeated in incredulity. He spun back to face her. "Why would you even think that?"

"Oh I don't know," she said, acerbity dripping from her words. "Maybe because we had _sex_. That is how babies are made you know."

"Twice." The word was harsh, like a knife slicing the air between them. "We only had sex twice and once was on New Caprica nearly a year ago."

"And once was recent - only a couple of months ago."

"Why would you think the baby's mine and not Sam's? You're married to him for frak's sake! We only had sex once recently!"

"Once is all it takes."

She could see the splay of emotions across his face as the mask broke. Love, desire, fear, anger, disgust ... it was a familiar sight. Rarely had she seen him look at her with unification of heart and mind. Only once she could recall - on New Caprica. It had been love then.

Now anger was winning.

"So what do you want me to do? Leave my wife and stay by your side because the baby _might_ be mine? Even if I was willing, you're not willing to leave your husband. So what am I supposed to do? Pretend I don't care? Let another man raise my child?"

She was sure she saw a flash of relief in his eyes at the last words. She suspected being a parent was something that frightened him as much as it did her. Zak had told her something of their childhood; even if he hadn't, the relationship between Lee and his father would have given it away. It was obvious Zak's death wasn't the only thing that had split them as far apart as they were.

Normally she would have stung him with a fiery retort but the meds were kicking in and all she felt was a deep weariness. "I don't know," she said softly. "I don't know if we have to do anything." She paused. "I think it's miscarrying."

The words were barely more than a whisper but his reaction showed he'd heard her loud and clear. She could see her feelings reflected back at her as his eyes, normally clear and piercing, turned dark and stormy, a maelstrom of emotions vying with one another for superiority.

"There wouldn't be so much pain and blood if it weren't, right?" She could hear the desire in her voice - knew he could hear it too and for a moment felt shameful again until she saw the look on his face. He too looked relieved. It was a situation she was sure he wasn't going to like dealing with, whether the baby was his or not. It complicated things and he'd only just made the move to simplify his life. Lee Adama liked simplicity ... or thought he did. Kara knew better. No one who loved_ her_ could love simplicity. She was the most complex puzzle known to mankind. Even she couldn't figure herself out most of the time.

Sorrow and sympathy replaced the brief look of relief on his face. "I ... I don't know what to say," he said softly.

"Then don't say anything."

She saw his face soften as she uttered the words. She couldn't remember ever saying them but he looked as though he was remembering some other time he'd heard them.

"I have to go," he said awkwardly. "I need to rework the flight schedule now that you're off it."

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Her fingers gripped the blanket harshly, knuckles whitening so as to stop herself from reaching out to him for comfort. It was what she always did instinctively.

"Don't tell anyone," she begged softly.

He shook his head. "Not a word."

Their eyes met and the glance held. "I'll come back later."

She nodded again, closing her eyes. The lashes grew wet.

**oooooooooo**

She felt slightly more rested when she awoke some time later, one of the nurses wheeling a tray of instruments into her cubicle. There was no difference in the lighting inside the ship but something indefinable told her it was night, or at least late evening.

"What are you doing?" she asked the nurse, an unfamiliar woman with blonde hair like her own.

"Attaching an IV to your arm," she replied, gently picking up Kara's arm and fastening a rubber tube around it to make the veins stand out.

"Why?"

"Doctor's orders." Her placid manner told Kara there was no point in asking further - she either didn't know or wasn't willing to reveal what she did.

She didn't have long to wonder - Cottle was only a minute behind the nurse. He didn't waste time getting to the point. "The good news is it isn't a miscarriage. You're not even pregnant."

Kara's eyes widened. She wasn't pregnant. _She wasn't pregnant!_ She should feel happy right? She didn't want to have children and the thought of being pregnant had filled her with dread. Even if she survived pregnancy and giving birth (and she wasn't sure that was possible), having a child would change her life forever. She would be a mom first, everything else second. She'd never wanted that, from as long back as she could remember. It had been the one thing she and Zak had fought about and likely always would have.

She wasn't having a baby. She should feel relieved shouldn't she? The responsibility, the complications, the fallout it would have caused if Lee had been the father ... she'd been spared all of it. For once the Gods had been kind and given her what she wanted.

But the God's gifts were usually double-edged: one side might be blunt but the other always cut to the bone.

She braced herself. "And the bad news?" Her voice was hoarse.

Cottle breathed deeply. "Your uterus is a mess. Actually your whole reproductive system is. There are multiple tumours in your uterus and at least one we can see on your ovary." He paused a moment, eyes meeting hers. "I'm not sure if they're cancerous - I'd have to do a biopsy and sample the tissue to know for sure, but even if they're not, they need to be removed. They're compromising blood flow which is what's causing the bleeding."

Her eyes asked the question words couldn't.

"I'll have to do a hysterectomy and remove it all." He exhaled. "I'm sorry but it means you'll never be able to have children."

She felt as though an unseen force had punched her and knocked the wind right out of her lungs. She was never able to have children. _ Not ever. _If she hadn't already be lying down she would have doubled over in pain.

Frak.

She should be happy now shouldn't she? No chance of ever having children? No worry that birth control might fail? Hell, no need for birth control ever again!

Her eyes closed.

"I've got surgery scheduled in three hours."

"That soon?" The words came out with no warning.

He gave her a look that held more sympathy than he'd ever shown her before. "I need to make sure the OR is sterilized and then we're ready. I don't want to put it off because you never know when things could get hairy all of a sudden around here."

She nodded in understanding but her heart felt as though the foundation it sat upon was crumbling away. She wasn't ready for this yet!

He stretched a hand out and awkwardly patted her arm a few times. "It'll be okay. We'll take good care of you."

_** TBC **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams - part 2**_

She awoke slowly, groggily, vaguely becoming aware of sounds before opening her eyes. Blips of the heart monitor ... the gentle hum of machines nearby ... the occasional beep of the IV ... and the voice of Lee Adama.

"Can I see her?" he was saying.

She couldn't see Cottle's face but the expression on it came through loud and clear in his words. "She's just had surgery and is in post-op. No visitors."

"Surgery? Why? What happened?"

"I cannot discuss Captain Thrace's condition with you unless she wishes me to and at the moment she's in no condition to make that call."

She could feel Lee's frustration even before he spoke. "But she told me ..."

"Son, I don't care what she told you. She can tell you whatever she chooses when she's able," he peeked at the clock, "which should be in about two hours, give or take. I'm not telling you anything but to get out of my sickbay and let my patient heal."

Kara could picture the set of Lee's chin - square and hard, the way it was when he was angry and frustrated. "Will she be laid up long? I'm asking as her _superior officer."_

"You'll get my report in due time," Cottle said, half turning to walk away. "But I'd be prepared for her to be off the flight roster a good, long while."

Kara kept her eyes shut, listening to both pairs of footsteps - Lee's as he drew further and further away and Cottle's as he stopped by her cubicle and peeked in. Hopefully he'd think she was still asleep and move on.

She opened her eyes slowly as his footsteps receded, then wished she hadn't. A wave of nausea swept over her - the anaesthesia no doubt, now that everything else that had been causing the problem was gone.

_Gone!_

Gone was the chance for a child. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed cutie like Kacey. Her mind knew Kacey wasn't hers but her heart was still having trouble accepting it. Somewhere deep inside, a small, secret part of her had hoped someday she'd have a Kacey of her own. Whether with Sam or Lee, it didn't matter - the child would likely still be blue-eyed and fair.

The motherly instincts Kacey's injury had brought out in her were unfamiliar and scary, as though not belonging to her at all. She'd balked at them, but in the end accepted they were what they were. She couldn't allow her own neglect to cause a child harm, especially not one of her own. For eventually she _had_ come to believe Kacey was hers. _Her_ ovary had been taken on Caprica; they'd wanted _her_ to be a part of the new Human/Cylon hybrid race by bearing Cylon children ... how could she not accept that the beautiful little girl who resembled her when she'd been young could not be her own? Despite never having wanted children in the past, she'd been devastated to find Kacey wasn't hers.

A single tear slid down her cheek, followed by a flood of others.

**oooooooooo**

She was startled some time later by the now-familiar nurse poking her head in to check on her recovery.

"How are we doing?" she asked cheerfully as she breezed through a quick check of Kara's vitals.

"Mmm."

She looked over and met Kara's eyes. "Oh, you've been crying. It's okay dear, everything went just fine. The Doctor's checking what we removed but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about." She patted Kara's arm, seemingly the universal medical gesture for sympathy. "It's probably not Cancer, and even if it is, we took it out cleanly and there shouldn't be anything else to cause you worry."

Kara nodded, rubbing at her red, swollen eyes. Cancer. She'd completely forgotten that was a possibility. Of course the nurse would assume that was what was bothering her.

"Still feeling a little nauseous?" she asked, glancing at Kara's pale visage.

She nodded again.

"It's normal," she said kindly. "The first half hour after wake-up is the worst. It'll pass soon."

The nurse was right. Keeping her eyes tightly shut she let reality sweep past her, trying only to ignore the heaving inside. The pain in her abdomen was growing too and she knew once her stomach settled she'd need some heavy painkillers.

Surgery sucked.

But at least this time she had proper facilities, sterilized instruments, painkillers and a real doctor caring for her. She wondered if perhaps whatever it was the Cylons had done to her on Caprica had caused this, and cursed them, not even caring if it was true.

Cottle came by soon after the world stopped spinning and she felt as though there was some possibility she may live after all. They faced each other, unspeaking.

"The tumours were benign," he said finally. "It seems that once you recover from the surgery you'll be back to normal and able to resume your normal activities."

"Where did they come from?"

Cottle shook his head. "I don't know. Don't know if I ever will. I'd like to keep an eye on you though - make sure we catch any more in the early stages."

"You're expecting more?"

"It's always a possibility." He placed the cigar he'd been fingering between his lips. "I wouldn't be a good medic if I didn't watch out for it."

Kara smiled weakly.

Cottle smiled back, cigar dangling dangerously out of his mouth. "Get some rest." He turned and walked out without another word. Most people would consider that rude.

Kara was thankful.

**oooooooooo**

Lee had come to see her while she slept. He'd left a note behind but even if he hadn't she'd have known. The cubicle smelled like him. Sweat, leather, grease ... two dozen other pilots shared that smell but none had quite the same scent as he did.

She picked up the piece of paper on the blanket beside her with trembling hands. 'Kara' was written on the front in plain script.

_Kara,_

_I came by to see you but you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you. Doc says you had surgery. I hope you're okay. Don't worry about being away from the flight deck. I've got the schedule worked out and I'll take care of your ship while you're gone._

_Get well soon,_

_Lee_

Her eyes stung with tears. How well he knew her! Trying to put her mind at ease over her absence in the cockpit. Of course he would know that would be one of her main concerns - not letting everyone down.

She reread the note. Concern sprang off the page in his simple words. One tear broke free and escaped her lashes. She brushed it away as footsteps approached.

Sam's worried face appeared. "Hey."

"Hey," she said weakly, crumpling the note slightly in her haste to hide it under the covers.

"They told me you weren't doing so well."

They. Who were _they_? Lee? Adama? The ship's grapevine?

"Better now. I've seen worse days." She tried to smile but it came out more of a grimace.

He sat lightly on the bed. "What was wrong?"

"I needed surgery."

"For what?"

She paused, trying to choose her words deliberately. He continued on before she found them.

"Come on Kara. You've been evasive with me for months. You avoid me, you don't talk to me ... tell me the truth please. I can take it. You owe me that much." His clear blue eyes stared into hers.

"Hysterectomy."

His eyebrows crinkled and a look of confusion settled upon his face.

"They took out my ovary and uterus. I can't have children," she explained, voice flat.

"Why?"

"Tumours."

"Cancer?"

"Doc says it's not."

"That's a relief."

She nodded.

"So you'll ... be here a while then?" he asked, voice hopeful.

"I'll be here for a few days then I'm on restricted duty for two to three months."

"Can I come see you again?"

She sighed inwardly. Would he never give up?

"Sam, I think it's best if we just part ways. This isn't working and we both know it."

"You don't want to try to fix it." It wasn't a question.

It was the opening she'd been looking for. And dreading. Time to tell him the truth. "No." She sighed. "No, I don't want to try to fix it because I don't think _it's_ broken. It was just ... never right to begin with."

His eyes seemed to pale. "So you want a divorce then."

She looked up at him in supplication. "I'm not really sure what I want. That's part of the problem," she added quietly. "I just can't figure it out now. Not now."

"Fine," he said, beginning to back away. His face was icy. "Fine. If that's what you want Kara. I hope you'll be happy."

Happy. That was a lark. She was about as far from happy as you could get. She didn't know if she remembered what _happy_ meant. A chuckle started somewhere deep inside and bubbled up into a full-fledged laugh. She clutched at her blankets as it escaped - the pain! It was like a fire in her belly. No more laughter. It gave way to tears as the pain seared through her incision site, making it feel as though Cottle were cutting her open again, this time without anaesthetic.

Happy. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt happy. _New Caprica._ Most of New Caprica had been hell but that one night, one glorious night she'd spent with Lee had been the last time she could recall being truly happy. She tried to think back farther and it hit her with stunning clarity after several minutes and memories that the only times she could remember being really, truly happy were times when she was making love with someone. Was she really that shallow? That only physical pleasure brought her happiness? Maybe that was why she'd indulged in it so often - she'd sought that pure, uncomplicated feeling of deep happiness untainted by anything else. She'd only ever found it in sex. Everything else in life seemed to come with strings._ That's not entirely true, _her subconscious reminded her. It was right. There had been one other time she'd felt that deep, wonderful joy at being alive - when she'd held Kacey and the little girl had put her arms around Kara's neck and hugged her.

She wept.

Her next visitors came a short while later, long enough though that she'd had a chance to pull herself together.

"The Admiral and Major Adama are here to see you," the nurse informed her.

"They can come in," she said evenly, voice belying the rapid beating of her heart.

Adama came straight to her, leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. Lee stood behind, seemingly aware his father outranked him in personal matters as well as professional.

"How are you doing kiddo?" Adama asked, taking Kara's hand between his two.

"Okay." She smiled into his eyes, a genuine smile of warmth and affection. His open display of emotion served to show her that while he'd been cold toward her because of her behaviour recently, he hadn't stopped loving her.

The look held a moment then Adama stepped away, as if suddenly remembering his son was there and wanted a moment with her.

"Hey," Lee began awkwardly.

"Hey."

The silence lasted a few seconds longer than it should have. It seemed neither knew how to begin. She had the feeling he wanted to say something but perhaps having an audience was holding his tongue.

"I got your note," she rushed out, trying to end the uncomfortable feeling in the room.

"Oh, good." He looked relieved.

"I'll um ... be off the flight roster a while it seems."

"Yeah, Cottle said as much."

"Did he tell you why?" She remembered the conversation she'd overheard earlier but perhaps Lee had forced Cottle to tell him everything. He was good at pulling rank to get what he wanted - a trait inherited or perhaps just learned from his father.

Lee shook his head. "The report just said you'd had major abdominal surgery and your flight status wouldn't be returned to normal for at leas eight weeks, depending on recovery."

"Do you want to tell us what the surgery was for Kara?" Adama asked gently.

She knew he was giving her an opportunity to make up for some of her shameful behaviour of late. He could and probably would force the truth out of her if she didn't. A commanding officer had the right to know the truth about any condition an officer under his command might be suffering from if it kept him or her from work. Trying to hide the truth would be useless. Besides, it would only encourage the grapevine, which was likely going to go wild anyway if it hadn't already. She was well-known and her stay in Lifestation and subsequent absence from duty would be noticed and remarked upon. Her active mind could already conjure up several possible rumours that could easily get started.

"It was a hysterectomy. I had growths on my ovary and uterus."

Both sets of eyes widened as they processed the information.

Adama ventured forth the question she knew one of them would ask. "Is it ..."

She shook her head before he even got the word out, and he exhaled deeply, relief evident in the slump of his shoulders.

"No, just generic tumours," she explained further, a quirky smile trying to force it's way out. "Cottle doesn't know where they came from but apparently he took them all out so I should be okay." She swallowed. "Once the incision heals that is."

Her eyes traveled back and forth between them, noting what they didn't say. Butterflies began to pull at her stomach as her eyes met Lee's.

"Hysterectomy," Adama said, face creasing into a frown. "That means you won't be able to have children doesn't it?"

She shrugged, attempting a smile. "It's okay, it's not like it was ever part of my agenda anyway." She looked away quickly, knowing Lee could see the lie if he cared to look closely. He'd always had an annoyingly maddening habit of being able to do that.

Adama touched his son's shoulder briefly. "We should go and let the patient rest." Kara was thankful - he was trying to lighten the tension by adding a little humour to the situation.

"Can I stay a minute longer?" She watched the look that passed between the two.

Adama turned to her. "If Kara's okay with it."

She nodded.

He leaned in and kissed her again. "If there's anything you need ..."

"I know who to call," she finished.

"Get some rest and get well soon."

"I will," she promised, heart aching at his care and concern. It was good having him back. She'd missed him more than she could ever have said.

As he left she focused her attention on Lee and some of the happiness she was feeling dissipated. She met his gaze and held it, trying not to let him see her weakness.

"What was it you wanted Lee?" she asked, voice quiet and even.

"I ... I just thought ... maybe I should ... I don't know. It's nothing I guess."

Her eyes penetrated and she could see and feel his discomfort at her scrutiny. "You must have had something you wanted to say," she prompted. "So say it."

"It's nothing. Just .. if you need anything ... anyone, I'm here for you."

She could see the emotions tumbling together behind his eyes. Friendship won out and he put on the appropriate mask.

A jagged crack tore at her heart. She swallowed and tried to smile. "Don't you have another woman who needs you? You can't be in two places at once."

The mask began to slip and the maelstrom was visible again. His lips parted, as though to speak.

"Yeah ... I guess ..." he said finally.

The tension was hurting almost as much as the pain in her abdomen. "Then you should go home to her. I need some meds and I'm getting tired."

"Of course. I don't want you to strain yourself." He began moving towards the exit.

"It's okay. I"ll be fine," she reassured, drawing on the last of her strength to smile at him.

He bought it. "Okay, well I'll see you again soon. Take care Kara."

She nodded, not saying more. She pressed her lips together till they were white, preventing herself from crying, but more importantly from crying out his name and calling him back. She knew all she had to do was ask.

He'd come.

** oooooooooo**

The first few days out of bed were hell. Lifestation had been good, surprisingly. She'd been tired, so tired, and had had a chance to sleep as much as she needed to catch up. She hadn't realized surgery and the energy her body needed to heal would wear her out so much. Her last run-in with abdominal surgery hadn't allowed her to feel - she'd acted purely on instinct, fight or flight response taking over and shorting out everything else.

Surgery sucked.

The trip from Lifestation to her bed had seemed the longest trek she'd ever taken. She was practically crying by the time she'd managed to crawl into her bunk and pull up the covers. Thank the Gods Cottle had kicked the other pilots out to let Kara have the bunkroom to herself for the first few hours. She grunted and moaned involuntarily as the pain alternately stabbed and ached._ If I were a man this would never have happened_, she thought, cursing the Gods yet again for making her who she was. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

A knock at the hatch drew her attention. She mentally told whomever it was to frak off but since it could possibly be the Admiral or someone else to whom she was required a certain level of politeness, she figured she'd best be slightly less rude.

"What do you want?" she called out instead. "I want to be left alone."

The wheel spun. _ Frak. _ Whoever it was didn't have the sense to let a wounded animal be and not disturb it when it was healing. She was already growling before Helo's neatly shorn head poked it's way through the door.

"Hey there."

The greeting was so similar. Three men in her life - Lee, Sam, Karl. All addressing her the same way. Karl's was the only one with real love and warmth. The only one that didn't set her teeth on edge with frustration and irritation.

He came in and shut the hatch behind him. "I heard you were under the weather."

She rolled her eyes. "Grapevine at it already?"

"You're missed Kara. It's hard not to notice the big white elephant when it's not in the room with you anymore."

"You calling me an elephant Agathon?" It was hard work keeping a straight face.

He smiled as he came and pulled up a chair beside the bunk. "Big, white, loud and always in everyone's space." His grin widened and she couldn't help but crack a smile in return.

Her eyes found his and in them she saw genuine love and affection. Good old Karl. Sometimes the platonic relationships were the best ones of all - no complications.

"Thanks," she said warmly.

"That's what friends are for." He became serious. "I can't spare a lot of time between duty and family but I want you to know you can count on me if there's anything you need. You call me, okay?"

"I will."

"No I'm serious Kara. I _know_ you. You don't have to brave this alone. I want you to let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Anything."

Tears stung her eyes. She blinked rapidly. "I will. I promise."

"Good." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I'm off now but I'll bring you something to eat shortly. I've got a few files to drop off at CIC then I'm headed to the mess. I won't be more than about twenty minutes. Think you can wait that long?"

"For algae? I'm sure I can wait longer."

He waggled a finger at her. "Don't make me stay here and feed you too."

"Perish the thought!"

He grinned. "See you soon 'Buck."

_** TBC **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams - part 3**_

The next few days were hard, both physically and emotionally. Lying around being waited on, having oceans of sympathy poured her way was something she had real difficulty with. Swallowing her pride and letting people help her, even friends, was something she'd never been good at.

Helo had come to help several times each day, and one of the nurses had come as well to check her sutures but had stayed on longer to give Kara a hand with certain personal things. Between the two and her own gritty determination she'd managed to make it through okay.

She wasn't going to call Lee for help, that was for certain. Despite his offer she felt she'd rather brave it on her own.

By the fourth day she was up to sitting propped on her pillow, hanging out in her bunk reading as she'd done for most of the previous couple of days. She'd been devouring all reading material she could find voraciously as she'd discovered that reading kept her mind focused on something else and off what she'd just gone through and had yet to face still. The nights likely would have been worse but she was still on some strong medication and it put her out for a good six hours each night. Reading trashy romance novels (that had been read so many times they were dog-eared and had no covers) like the one she was now were boring enough to put her to sleep, so she'd napped during the day as well.

The book was getting heavy and her eyes were slipping shut when she heard someone enter the bunkroom. She almost didn't open them to see who it was but curiosity got the better of her. When she saw who it was she wished she'd kept them closed and pretended to be asleep.

"You're awake. I thought for a moment you were asleep." Lee sat down on the chair beside her bunk.

_Wish I was,_ she thought but bit her tongue. Lee was upset. She could see it in every line of his body - he was tense and stiff and it made him look ungainly and out of proportion. His face too was pale and his eyes dark. There was definitely something wrong.

"Hey. Haven't seen you in a while," she said, trying to open the conversation lightly.

"I've come a couple of times," he said, a little bit of colour pinking his cheeks. "You were asleep though and I didn't want to wake you."

They stared at one another a few moments as she tried to read his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong? What makes you think something's wrong?"

"You're as transparent as this book," she said, giving him the 'Starbuck' glare. "I can see right through you."

"There's nothing wrong."

He was lying. His left eyebrow always twitched when he wasn't being truthful. She wondered if anyone else had noticed that particular trait or if she was just more attuned to him.

"I'm just tired. Lots of extra shifts." He gave her a lopsided grin. "Someone's got to take over for you."

There was an element of truth in that but she knew it wasn't the main reason. He obviously wasn't willing to share that with her. Another small arrow through the heart._ Once upon a time he would have told me everything, _she thought sadly.

Pushing those thoughts aside, she nodded. "I guess that would keep you busy. Everything quiet out there?"

"A little too quiet if you ask me. Whenever there's no action it usually means something big is in the works."

"I hope not."

"Me too. We need you back before taking on that kind of challenge."

His praise should have made her feel good but today it was empty. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she said, acerbity causing he words to sound bitter, even to her own ears.

Lee stared at her quizzically. "You know, if you don't want to do this anymore you don't have to. I understand how Viper pilots can get burnt out during wartime ..."

"I'm fine," she snapped back. "I'm getting an enforced rest for two months. I'm sure I'll be ready to come back after that. It's not like I have anything better to do."

Lee was clearly at a loss. It was obvious he had no idea how to deal with her. Not that this was news - she remembered only too well several occasions he'd done completely the wrong thing and how much it had cost their friendship. Well he was just going to have to wing it on this one - she was in too foul a mood to hand-hold him through it.

"I should get going," he said finally, face having settled into a sort-of confused, sad puppy look. It seemed as if he wished she'd say something more ... then gave a resigned sigh. "I'll be back to visit again soon."

She sighed and stared at the hatch for a long time after he left, wondering what had gone wrong and how she could fix it. _Maybe a shower_, she thought, shaking her head and trying to clear it. _Time to get out of bed and do something for myself_. She sat up and slid her feet off the bunk, wincing as her stomach muscles pulled in a way they no longer could until they were healed. Grabbing a fresh set of clothes, she set off on her journey to the head. It was a short trip but she was exhausted by the time she got there. The need to sit and rest a few moments before standing in the spray had become a necessity. She frowned at the toilet but there was no other choice - the head hadn't been made with conversational seating in mind.

She sat, trying to catch her breath, feeling strength slowly returning to her limbs. She started as she realized she wasn't alone. Not surprising; this washroom serviced all the senior officers plus the NCO's whose quarters were on this deck. It would be more surprising for her to have been the only one in the room.

Her blood cooled several degrees as the identity of the persons became known to her.

"Hey," came Dee's voice, unusually high-pitched for her. She sounded excited, perhaps nervous.

"Hi Dee." Gaeta's calm voice brought Kara back to reality. She had nothing to be afraid of. No reason to hide. She stood and put her hand on the stall door then froze.

"Can you keep a secret?" Dee giggled.

"Yeah, I guess." Gaeta sounded amused.

"I'm just so excited I can't keep it to myself." Dee was fairly bubbling with joy. Kara had never heard her sound so happy. "I'm not sure yet as the Doc hasn't finished the test, but I think I'm pregnant!"

If there was a pit she could have crawled into, a black hole she could get lost in forever, she would have. Those four words broke her heart like none other ever had. Dee was going to have Lee's child, not her.

It made sense. She was his wife, they'd recently reconciled and probably spent their nights making wild, passionate love. Okay, maybe not wild, that was more _her_ style, but Lee was a man who gave as good as he got in bed - maybe better, and as he'd decided his marriage was worth saving Kara knew he would fulfil that part of his vow along with the rest. She shouldn't be surprised, after all they'd been married over a year and now was a good time. It was relatively quiet as far as the war with the enemy went and Roslin was encouraging all people of age to go forth and multiply so the human race would live to see another generation. Lee and Dee would be a perfect couple for a family - he came from a good bloodline and she was very young, likely able to have many children.

"Does Major Ada ... Lee know?"

"I told him this morning. It's not for certain yet but I'm pretty sure." Kara could almost see her wide grin, white teeth shining out from chocolate-coloured skin. She could imagine the stars in Dee's eyes - a woman like her would be thrilled to pieces at the news.

"Congratulations Dee. I take it this is something you wanted?" Gaeta was treading carefully. He was a good officer that way, and a good friend. Kara had always respected his ability to stay calm and not take sides. _Of course it's what she wants! I can see it every she looks at him. It's been there right from the first moment she began making eyes at him - she wants to be the wife of the future leader and bear his children. They'll be the heirs of the Adama legacy and the most valued people alive. That will cement her place and assure that Lee never divorces her._

A thought struck. Was that why Lee had been upset and distracted earlier? Why he'd been evasive and off his game? Dee had told him he was going to be a father just at the time she herself had told him he wasn't? It was all beginning to come together. Knowing didn't make it any easier for her though. The thought that Dee, _Dee_, the girl who'd always seemed meek as a mouse, was going to have the baby she wasn't and never could, speared her heart with a kind of pain she'd never felt before.

The two of them chatted on about other things and while Kara was too dumbstruck to pay attention to what they were saying, she did realize one thing - they weren't leaving the head any time soon. She was going to have to come out and face Dee, still vulnerable and unable to defend herself. Not that she'd need it physically but she knew how the other woman felt about her and Dee's tongue could be awfully sharp when she chose to use it.

She unlocked the door and slowly shuffled out, knowing she looked as fragile as she felt and cursing herself for it. They both turned to face her, surprise at being caught in a secret evident on their faces. Dee recovered faster. A look of disdain passed over her face, replaced quickly with triumph.

"Hello Starbuck," she said, her voice oozing superiority. _Possession is nine tenths of the law and she owns him. She knows it and is never going to let me forget it_, Kara thought. She sighed inwardly, reaching for reserves of courage she never knew she had.

"Dee, Felix," she said quietly, turning to meet his eyes after briefly touching hers. In them she saw sympathy. Her shoulders straightened up with pride. She didn't need anyone's pity. Kara might be a broken girl on the inside but outside she was still Starbuck, and Starbuck could take anything life threw at her.

"I've got to run now. I'll see you later," Dee said to Gaeta, smiling sweetly. It became saccharine as she turned back to Kara. "Bye."

_Little frakking bitch!_ Kara forced herself to smile back. Surely all this insincerity must be making Gaeta ill.

He waited till Dee was gone before speaking. "How are you doing Starbuck? Recovery going okay?"

"I've had better days," she said truthfully. "But I've had worse too. I'll survive."

"I'm sure you will," he smiled. "You're like a cat with nine lives."

"Just a survivor. I was taught early on that you do whatever you have to to get by. That lesson has come in rather useful since the first Cylon attack," she added ruefully.

He nodded. "Well if there's anything you need ... " he offered, seeming rather uncomfortable.

She shook her head. I'm good thanks. Just going to take a quick shower and head back to bed."

"Get well soon," he said. "We miss you."

She smiled, the sincerity in his voice bringing tears to her eyes. "Thanks," she whispered and watched him walk away.

She sighed and stripped her clothes off slowly, pulling off the bandage and tossing it in the garbage. The incision was still red and sore-looking but thankfully wasn't infected. She stepped into the shower spray, deliberately forcing her mind down any route other than the one it wanted to go. All roads led to the same place however, and eventually the only thing on her mind was Dee's secret. The voices in her head taunted her, repeating over and over why she would have been a terrible mother and why Dee deserved this far more then she did. All the negative things her mother had said and done to her came back like a hurricane blowing through her head and she felt buffeted and slammed by the pain they caused.

Her back smacked painfully on the wall, but it was insignificant compared to the emotional pain within. She slid down the cold tile till she was crouching, body unconsciously reverting back to the fetal position. Water cascaded down her face, mixing with tears.

She was oblivious.

**oooooooooo**

"Kara?" The voice barely reached her consciousness. "Kara, are you in here?" Frantic words. Running footsteps. "Kara! My Gods!"

Strong arms scooped her out of the now-cold water. Crying had swollen her eyes shut. She didn't need to see who it was - only one person cared enough to be wild with worry. She melted into his neck, unable to stop herself from drawing comfort from his touch.

"Kara." Words whispered on her hair. His mouth was full of it - didn't stop him from whispering her name over and over. A feeling of peace and contentment stole over her. _ The Gods have finally taken me_, she thought, happiness surging through her in waves. Finally the pain would end and all the suffering, both physical and emotional, would be over.

Her eyes opened sometime later to find that Heaven wasn't quite what she'd expected. In fact it looked an awful lot like her bunk on Galactica. Maybe she hadn't gone to Heaven. Maybe this was Hell and she was stuck reliving this part of her life over and over again for all eternity. No, even the Gods wouldn't be _that_ cruel ...

As the world slowly drifted back into focus she became aware of the fact that she wasn't alone. She was snuggled up against someone, her body curved in to fit like a glove. Had to be Lee. She'd never fit so perfectly with anyone else. What was he doing lying in her bunk holding her in his arms? He had a wife he should be with. She wriggled around trying to put some distance between them, but instead of movement she got pain. Hot, searing pain in her abdomen. She moaned and pulled herself into the fetal position, body curling protectively around the wounded site.

"Are you okay?" Lee asked, stiffening up as he pulled away to look at her face. Concern lined his face and darkened his eyes.

She moaned in answer.

"I'll get the Doc."

Her hand shot out and grabbed his arm as he tried to climb out of the bunk. "No."

He pulled but she held tight. "But you're in pain. I've got to do something to help."

"Stay here," she whispered, voice tight. "Don't go."

His eyes gleamed with tears. She felt hers well up again and blinked repeatedly to keep them in. "The pain will go away," she whispered. "Just stay."

For all that he'd hesitated and second-guessed when it came to her before she had to give him credit now. He lay back down and put his arms around her without a moment's pause.

"I'm here," he whispered. "I'll stay as long as you need me."

_Forever. _She couldn't ask. She had no right. he was bound to someone else, forced into it by her own actions, soon to have a child to care for as well. Those thoughts broke open the dam again and she began to cry quietly, body heaving painfully as she buried her face in his neck.

Crying in front of him was getting easier. Or perhaps her heart was just accepting the inevitable - everything in her life that caused tears involved him. At some point the wall she'd used to keep those emotions well-hidden had to crack and all that had happened in the previous weeks had been what had done it. She hadn't realized, like riverbed erosion, that all the hurts between them had been relentlessly pulling away at her outer layers, wearing her down and tearing at her inner reserves of strength. The wall had appeared to be holding well until the very last straw had shattered the illusion. Now she was open, vulnerable, more pieces of her being carried off in the never-ending torrent.

"I know about the baby Lee," she said softly. It was time, she couldn't keep the pain inside. She felt him stiffen and pull back. "I overheard Dee telling Felix. You should go home to her."

"I don't want to."

Time seemed to stop along with the beating of her heart. The discomfort grew between them as the minutes passed but for once she held her tongue and didn't rush to say something, _anything_ to fill the void.

He seemed grateful for the silence. Their eyes met as he drew back a fraction. "I don't want to go back to her," Lee began, then stopped.

"Why?" she asked simply, shaking her head in confusion. "I thought she was what you wanted."

He exhaled slowly. "I thought so too but now ... " he paused. "I think I've been lying to myself."

She was afraid to voice her question, lest the words come out wrong. Her eyes asked instead.

"Lately I've been asking myself the questions I asked you on New Caprica. Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life? And is this who I want to spend it with?

Her eyebrows raised, the memory of that night coming easily.

He cleared his throat. "The answer, once I was finally honest with myself, was no to both questions."

She looked at him a moment or two before answering, nervousness beginning to form a ball at the pit of her stomach. "I guess it's a little late to be figuring that out now."

The look in his eyes made her heart crack wide open. She hadn't been wrong - he still loved her. It was almost painful to watch the war within him. He wore his heart on his sleeve like no other and she could see every emotion as clearly as if he were transparent.

"So what do you _want_ to do?" she asked.

"You want an honest answer?"

Kara lifted her face slowly till their eyes met. "Isn't it about time we were honest with each other for a change?" she whispered.

He took a long, slow breath. "I want to quit the military, divorce Dee and spend the rest of my life with you."

_** TBC **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams - Part 4**_

"Somehow I don't think it's going to be quite that easy."

"Why not?"

Kara shook her head and struggled to sit up. Her teeth clenched as pain stabbed. "You don't get it do you? This is real life Lee, not a Pyramid Game. You don't get do-overs. You made your choice and now you have to live with it."

"Well there's a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black. At least for me divorce is an option," he said acidly. "I don't see the point in staying together when you know you've made a mistake." His eyes narrowed as he spoke, zeroing in on hers accusingly.

"That's fine when it's just about you, but you can't be a selfish ass when there's a child to consider."

"Maybe. She only said maybe, there's no confirmation yet."

"I'm sure you'll know soon enough."

"What difference will it make?" he snapped back. "Staying together for the sake of the kids is the worst thing parents can do. I _lived _it Kara - my parents detested each other but they thought the eternal lie that Zak and I had a stable home life was one we wouldn't see through." He threw his arms up in the air. "See how well _that _turned out? I'm an emotionally frakked-up loser who bottles up all his emotions and always does the 'right thing', even when it's not what I want."

They stared at one another a moment, eyes locked in an angry battle.

Kara began to giggle. She couldn't help herself. Once she started the laughter just kept coming. Her stomach ached but even the pain seemed funny too somehow.

"What's so funny?" Lee demanded.

"You" she managed to choke out before the giggles overtook her again.

"Why? What's so funny about me?"

She laughed even harder. He was cute when he was insecure.

"I'm not funny!"

She wiped her eyes and swallowed the rest of the laughter that was welling up inside her. "Yes you are. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear you call yourself an emotionally frakked-up loser." A chuckle tried to break free again and came out sounding like a strangulated cough. Then it broke free and she gave up all pretense at holding it in.

Her laugh, as always, was infectious and soon she could see the smile pulling at the corners of Lee's mouth. Before long they were both laughing as if to split their sides, Kara clutching her stomach tightly to contain the pain. She'd been stressed for weeks, no months ... maybe even_ years _and the release of tension of a good, deep belly laugh was doing wonders for her. She knew there was still a lot of sadness to work through and that life was definitely _not_ going to be fine any time soon, but the lifting of the heavy burden she'd been carrying on her shoulders for so long, even just a fraction, was a welcome relief.

From the sounds of Lee's laughter he'd needed the release as well. He looked younger and more carefree than she'd seen him in years. Since before Zak's death, if she was honest with herself. Since that time he'd always seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and all the added turmoil of his failed relationship with her had put years on him. She regretted being the one who'd spoiled what little there was left of his carefree nature. He was a man forced to be grave by the circumcstances of his life and it wasn't wearing well on him.

Eventually the laughter and tears subsided and the pain dulled to a throbbing ache. She began to feel like speech might be possible.

"You can't do this Lee," she said. "You can't leave Dee now, no matter how scared you are."

"Who says I'm scared?" She could almost see his hackles rise, the moments of joy they'd shared gone in an instant like a pricked balloon.

"I know about Gianne." The words were barely a whisper but their effect on Lee was unmistakable.

"How do you know about her?" he demanded, face flushing.

"Zak."

She could see the emotions he'd kept repressed for so long bubbling to the surface, but he held his anger in check.

"He never could keep a secret," she said, an apologetic laugh stealing out.

"How much do you know?"

Their eyes locked. "Everything." Silence. "If it's any comfort, I'd have done the same thing in your place. The thought of having a kid used to scare the living daylights out of me."

"Used to?"

Frak. He'd picked up on her faux pas.

"Well it's not like it matters anymore does it?" she said, voice coming out harsher than she'd intended.

His gaze was elsewhere, eyes unfocused. "It scares the crap out of me Kara," he said softly, a few moments later.

She nodded. "I know."

"I wasn't ready to be a dad back then. The thought of it ... well it just made me sick. I felt trapped ... like I was stuck reliving my dad's life. You know?" His eyes turned back to hers, imploring her to understand.

"I know," she said again, offering nothing more. She did understand - the thought of having a baby had reminded her of all the reasons she'd vowed not to be like her mother. "You can't shirk it this time though. We all have to grow up sometimes and you're not a kid anymore."

He seemed to grow older before her eyes. "I know." He swallowed. "But I don't want to be my father or live his life."

"It's what Dee wants."

He laughed bitterly. "I remember hearing it said that men marry their mothers, women marry their fathers. Looks like I followed that rule didn't I?"

"I don't even remember my father. He was never around much and he disappeared when I was eight."

"Disappeared?"

"Left us," she explained simply. "I guess he'd had enough so he took off."

"I'm sorry Kara." His scrutiny made her uncomfortable.

"Yeah ... you should go." She shifted position, trying to move further from him. Somehow during their conversation they'd managed to end up close and she knew if she didn't get him out of her bed soon she'd never let him leave.

"I ... I don't know if I can do this."

She could barely meet his eyes - they were dark and troubled. She took a deep breath. "You have to Lee. You have to."

XXX

Her sleep that night was troubled, filled with fractured images of her mother and herself as a child. Sometimes she was reliving old situations, other times the dreams had visions of herself as a young child but in impossible places - in her Viper at the age of no more than ten years old. Younger - no more than three, being locked in the aft supply closet, the one she and Lee had ... well, it had been a convenient, private place.

The night finished up with dreams of Kacey and she woke both with a wet pillow and a profound sense of loss. But how could she lose something that was never really hers to begin with?

When morning came she was determined to get up and get back to normal as quickly as possible, so with that in mind she dressed, made a quick visit to the head and walked down to the mess for breakfast. She'd just sat down at an empty table when a hand slapped her affectionately on the shoulder.

"Good to see you're feeling better Kara."

She looked around and smiled warmly at Helo. "Better, but it'll be a while before I'm back to normal again."

Helo pulled a chair out, spun it around and sat down on it, resting his arms on the back. "Anyone who knows you can attest to the fact that you've never been normal, therefore it's something you can never get 'back' to."

"Always with the compliments Agathon. I know I can always count on you to make me feel _so _much better."

"I'm your moral support not an ego booster." He leaned down so his chin was resting on his hands as a smug grin broke out on his handsome face. "Your ego is big enough - it doesn't need any help."

She punched his shoulder fairly hard but tempered it with a grin.

"Starbuck's back to beating up on the other pilots? The universe must be falling back into rhythm."

The warmth from the Old Man's words as well as his touch flooded her soul. Her heart was empty, devoid of all happiness but that gesture, the love she knew he felt for her, began to refill the cup of happiness that had taken years to pour out completely. It was only a few drops, but it was something.

"I'm glad you're feeling better," Adama said, warm smile shining in her direction. "Just don't push yourself too hard."

She smiled back. "I know, I know, you want me back in the cockpit as soon as possible."

"I want to see your smiling face and hear your wild laughter all around my ship again. I've missed my Starbuck."

Her smile weakened as he walked away. He too, only loved Starbuck. This broken girl, Kara, was one he couldn't deal with. No one liked seeing her in pain, all they ever wanted was Starbuck, the eternally happy daredevil.

She sighed, appetite gone.

"Come on, eat up Thrace."

She'd forgotten Helo was still sitting there. "What are you, the breakfast police?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, now eat or I'll throw you in the brig and have one of the marines force-feed you."

She tried not to smile. "You can't do that."

"Wanna bet? I still outrank you. Just try me."

The twinkle in his eye told her he wasn't completely serious but she knew Karl Agathon well. He'd make sure she ate if it was the last thing he did. Underneath the nice guy exterior there was a will of iron.

"Fine." She quickly downed her bowl of algae-oatmeal and drank a cup of algae-tea, grimacing at the sour, salty taste. "This is disgusting. Couldn't we have found a planet chock full of cocoa beans instead of algae? Then we'd be eating chocolate and drinking _real_ coffee."

"It's nutritious Kara. It may taste bad but it's keeping us alive."

"If you call this living." She downed the last of her tea and stuck out her tongue. "Blech."

She watched as a satisfied smirk crossed his face and knew exactly what he was thinking. If she was up to bitching and complaining about the food like she'd done since they'd first started eating it, she must be feeling better.

He patted her shoulder once as he rose and replaced the chair. "Okay, I'm off. I've got a duty shift starting in ten and I've got to get Hera to the babysitter."

"Good luck with that Mr. Mom," she called after him, smiling and feeling just a little better for his care and concern.

She sat to one side of the large room, watching as people came and went. It was nice to be back in the heart of things, for the mess hall truly was the heart of Galactica - the lifeline of the ship, as every single person on her passed through here daily and it was always vibrant with life.

Lee and Dee came in together a short while later and sat at a table at the far end of the room. Neither noticed her. She watched as Lee got two cups of coffee and returned to the table, sitting directly opposite Dee. It looked as though he was doing his best to avoid touching her. She could see both their profiles - they weren't happy. Lee was trying to keep his temper, something that was evidently becoming harder and harder for him as she lost hers.

Kara couldn't quite make out the words at first but as Dee's voice rose she distinctly heard the words 'baby', 'marriage' and 'Kara'.

The sound of her name on the other woman's lips was like a sudden jolt of electricity. It shocked her into action - she didn't want to stay here and listen to Lee and his wife fight publicly about how she affected their marriage. Most people knew, even if they hadn't voiced it, about the affair, but this was beyond what her pride could take.

She stood carefully and walked slowly to the door, not even glancing at them. The sudden lull in conversation told her she'd been noticed but though she felt two pairs of eyes boring into her back as she exited, her steps didn't falter.

She'd intended to take a short walk to the hangar bay to see how things were going without her but her feet involuntarily led her back to the bunkroom where she curled up under the blankets. She felt shivery and nervous and knew it wasn't because she'd pushed herself too hard.

XXX

The rest of the day had been uneventful. She'd alternated resting with short walks around the ship and a few visits, surprisingly one of the most pleasant with Colonel Tigh. Theirs had always been a tough relationship to understand. People thought they hated each other - even_ they_ thought they hated each other sometimes but underneath there was a kinship that while it had never been voiced by either of them, she'd always felt strongly.

It helped add a little happiness to her aching heart to know that some things would always be the same.

The surprise had come after supper when she'd been lying in bed reading. Lee had burst into the bunkroom, satchel in hand.

"Is there a spare bunk?" he asked no one in particular. Several heads snapped up from a card game they'd been playing.

"Yeah, nine is free. Why? You and the missus not getting along?" Hotdog teased.

"Something like that." Lee's tone and the set of his jaw was enough to end the conversation right there.

Hotdog picked up the cards and jerked his head towards the door. "I heard there's a Pyramid game being held down in the starboard maintenance bay tonight. You wanna join us Apollo?"

Lee shook his head. "No thanks."

"Starbuck?"

Kara shook her head mutely. If Pyramid was happening, Sam was on Galactica. And the last thing she wanted to do was run into him now.

As the room grew quiet, she buried her head in her book and pretended not to watch Lee unpack his belongings. Considering there were few, it only took him a couple of minutes. When he was done he sat heavily on his bunk with a sigh, sinking his face down onto his palms.

Kara noticed, with a frisson of surprise, that he was no longer wearing his wedding ring. "You want to tell me what's going on?" she asked softly, not looking up from her book.

"Nothing."

Kara closed her book deliberately and turned to face him. "You can tell that lie to someone else and expect them to believe it, but don't bother trying with me." She waited but he didn't elaborate. "Considering last night you told me you wanted to leave your possibly pregnant wife to be with me, had a public argument with her in the mess this morning, moved yourself and your stuff here to spend the night and your wedding ring is conspicuously missing I'd say there's definitely_ something _going on."

He lifted his eyes to hers and they held. "Dee isn't pregnant. She was late. Cottle confirmed it." He took a deep breath and reached for some papers sitting on the bed beside him. "I'm filing for divorce."

_** TBC **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams Part 5**_

"You can't be serious."

Lee held the papers out in front of him. "I told you it was what I wanted to do," he said quietly, the lack of 'I told you so' in his voice surprising her.

"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually _do_ it," she replied, finding it hard to find words. "I mean, we all _say_ things ..."

"I'm tired of talk Kara. I'm tired of saying one thing and doing another. I'm tired of wanting one thing but having something different." He paused a moment. "I should never have married Dee. It was a mistake and I knew it right from the moment I proposed to her. I don't want to live with that mistake for the rest of my life, and the fact that there _is _just her and me to consider makes it easier to make this decision. It should never have happened so I'm ending it." He dropped the papers back on the bed, as if no longer needing proof to back up his words.

Kara studied him a few moments. "So what are you going to do now?"

He met her eyes, confidently and with no hesitation. "I'm going to take back my life."

She almost smiled at his seriousness. "How are you going to do that?"

"I'm going to stop living in my father's shadow and doing what he expects of me like an obedient little dog."

"So what ... you're just going to quit the military like that?"

"Well not just like that. Once you're fit for duty I'm going to resign and recommend you to replace me."

"As CAG?" She was flabbergasted. "Don't you remember what a disaster that was on the Pegasus?" She laughed self-consciously as her cheeks flamed.

"That was Pegasus, this is Galactica. It's a different ship, different crew and you can handle it. None better."

Her mouth hung open a moment before she found words to respond. "So what are you going to do when you leave? Sit around on one of the civilian ships and wait till we find Earth? I can't believe you'd be content doing nothing for weeks, months, maybe years."

"I was thinking of working with the President, if she can use me."

"Yeah, that'll go over well with your father," she said, giving him a knowing glare.

Lee shrugged. "It's _my _life. I don't want to spend it taking orders from my father, only to wait till he dies so I can take his place. I'm going to do what I want from now on."

Kara shook her head lightly, mouth still slightly open. "You really have changed, you know that?"

A small smile broke out on his face. "Yeah, well ... at least I've figured out that I detest my life before it's too late to change it."

"How do you think Dee's going to take the news?" Kara asked quietly, not really wanting to talk about Dee but knowing this new honesty between them demanded it.

"I don't really care."

"That's not true. You _do _care."

His look was penetrating. "Can you really see through me that well?"

She nodded. "Yup."

His face twitched into an amused smile. "You're right, I do care. But I'm going to try not to let it affect me. I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure out that lie is too short for me to be hating it. I want to_ live_ Kara." He moved closer, voice dropping almost to a whisper. "And the only time I really feel alive is when I'm with you."

She felt the tingle begin at the base of her spine and move through her nervous system till everything, even every hair on her head, was vibrating with emotion. It wasn't sexual, just a feeling of _rightness_ ... there was no other way to describe it. A feeling like suddenly the universe had taken a flip and righted itself and that all that had gone on before had just been a terrible nightmare from which she was now waking. It was like someone had flipped a switch and turned something on in her, opening up a locked section of her soul that had all the answers she'd been seeking in all the wrong places, laid bare before her on a silver platter.

She wasn't sure she should trust it.

"Lee, I ..." She didn't get any further. He sat beside her and took her hand gently. His eyes pled with hers.

"Just listen to me, okay?"

She swallowed thickly and nodded, unspeaking.

"I know things have gotten messed up between us. We've made bad decisions, we've said and done things we regret," his eyes scanned her as she nodded, "but there's _something there_ Kara. Something we can't deny or ignore. You can feel it, can't you? It's like something is always pulling us together and even though we keep screwing up some force just keeps bringing us back together so we can try again."

"The will of the Gods," she whispered.

He looked at her quizzically and she could tell he was wondering if she was serious or not. Though his mouth opened a fraction he said nothing.

"I can feel it," she said in answer to his question. "I've always been able to feel it."

"Then why did you ..."

She didn't let him finish. There was no point - she'd asked herself the same question before. Dozens of times. "Because I've never trusted it."

His eyebrows drew together, making him look much more like his father. "Why?"

"I always thought it was just me."

"You never knew I had feelings for you?" Lee was incredulous. "I mean, until I stood there and announced it to the universe?"

She chuckled. "You're pretty transparent Lee. I've known all along that you were attracted to me."

"If you felt the same way, why did it take you so long to act on it?"

She drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, audibly. "There are a lot of reasons."

"You want to share them with me?" She could sense his antagonism, hidden behind the impassive face he was working to hold even.

"You want to listen?" The words came out acid-tainted.

"Of course," he snapped, sounding irritable. "I wouldn't have asked otherwise."

"It wouldn't be the first time you've asked me a question and not bothered to listen to the answer." She crossed her arms over her chest, as though shielding her heart from him.

His face darkened and he looked like he was about to retaliate. Kara braced herself for the blow. Suddenly his eyes turned glassy, as though seeing into the past. The square jaw softened and his eyes found hers. "I'm listening," he said softly.

It was hard at first, opening her heart and sharing all the things she'd hidden there. They'd become like a cloak, a blanket perhaps, that she pulled tightly around herself whenever she needed to hide away. Reasons not to trust the stray thoughts that perhaps this _could_ work between them if only she'd throw it off and expose herself emotionally as willingly as she'd done physically.

It became easier as she talked, tears beginning to flow along with the words, both marking her in a way she'd never allowed before.

He gathered her into his arms as the last words came out and sobs wracked her body. She felt small and weak, like a child again, drawing comfort from his touch but waiting for the blow to come.

That's how love worked. And why she'd never trusted it.

But Lee surprised her. His strong arms held her tightly. One hand stroked her hair gently. He said nothing.

She pulled away after a time, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She blinked rapidly as a weak smile crossed her face. "Guess I'm a bit of a mess now, huh?" she said, trying to find a way to break the tension.

He cupped her face, thumbs stroking her cheeks lovingly. "You're always a mess Kara," he said softly, the hint of a smile in his blue eyes showing her he was teasing just a little, "but that's exactly how I love you." He leaned forward and brushed his lips across hers lightly. The kiss was soft and sweet and begged forgiveness.

"I'm sorry I haven't given you reason to trust me. I know I've been a bastard to you, but it's only because I get so jealous and angry at the thought of you with anyone else. It feels like a knife in my heart and I just can't stop myself from lashing out and hurting you back." He ran his fingers over her temple, pushing back the stray hairs. "I promise I'll try to do better. I don't want to hurt you Kara. I never wanted to hurt you."

She looked deep in his eyes, knowing that for the first time he could see into her soul. "I don't think you have to worry about that. It's over between me and Sam."

He searched her eyes, obviously needing to be sure her words were true. She didn't blame him - they hadn't been often enough. He wasn't the only one guilty of not giving reasons to trust. _ That_ was why it had never worked before.

"You and Sam are getting a divorce?" he asked in a whisper. Hope gave his face a beauty she hadn't seen in a long time.

She nodded. "I haven't filed for divorce yet, given I've been a little busy lately," she put a hand on her stomach protectively, "but I told him it's over already."

Lee reached forward, capturing her lips in a fierce kiss. She pushed him back, wincing as pain shot through her torso.

"Slow down," she breathed.

He licked his lips, brow furrowing in confusion. "Why? This is it Kara. No one can stop us from being together now."

"Yeah," she answered. "_We_ can."

XXX

A soft knock at the hatch woke Bill from his nap. He grunted, briefly indulging in some not-so-pleasant thoughts about the parentage of the person daring to wake him. He felt certain age must be catching up with him as the nights just didn't seem to be long enough and he found short naps during his off-duty hours were all that were keeping him alive and functioning.

He smiled at the person on the other side of the door. "Madam President. What a pleasant surprise. Did I forget you had scheduled a visit?"

She smiled coquettishly as she stepped across the threshold. "No, this was entirely impulsive."

He noted the papers beneath her arm sadly. A part of him wished she'd come purely for enjoyment but the fact that she'd brought papers with her meant there was something more serious up.

"Come in." He was ever the gracious host with her. "Would you care for a glass of water?"

"No, thank you." She smiled sweetly.

He sat on the couch with her, slightly kitty-cornered so he could watch her. Under the smile she was uncomfortable. He decided not to rush her.

"Admiral, there's something I want to discuss with you," she began, opening slowly, almost formally.

"Of course."

"It's um, rather personal."

He leaned forward slightly, anticipating.

"Regarding your son."

He fell back, surprise likely evident on his rugged face. "Lee? What about Lee?"

"You don't know." It was half questioning.

"Evidently not."

"I'm kind of surprised he didn't tell you."

"Well maybe you should stop dancing around the point and tell me, since that's obviously what you came here to do."

She caught the acerbity in his tone loud and clear. "Lee has filed for divorce."

Adama sat forward with a thrust that rocked the couch. "What?"

She held out the papers. 'Formal petition for dissolution of marriage between Lee Adama and Anastasia Dualla' was written on the top one.

He wrestled with his emotions. His first instinct was to march down to his son's quarters and throttle him for being such a wishy-washy idiot. The second was to seek out Dee and hear her side of the story - maybe the marriage had been rocky for some time and they'd just never shown it. Lords knew he and his wife had done that for years. Lee had had a good role model.

His shoulders sagged. There was really nothing he could do. It was personal, and every time he'd tried to meddle in his son's personal affairs it had only widened the gap between them. "How is it you know about it when I don't yet?" he asked tiredly.

"He filed the papers with Mr. Lampkin but all legal matters come through my office now."

"Are you sure that's wise?" The eyebrow asked a deeper question than the one on his lips.

"It's necessary," she said directly, looking him straight in the eye. "We may have a democratically elected government but the full structure is missing. All we've got is a President and a Vice. The branches of law that would oversee this sort of thing don't exist and until we decide to elect more people to govern I believe it's in everyone's best interest that all things legal pass through my office."

He nodded. Didn't like the fact that she'd unilaterally made the decision without consulting him first though. It wasn't required, being a purely civilian matter but he'd come to appreciate and expect their collaboration on everything, whether it be civilian or military. It made sense though, and there was no sense in antagonizing her over making the right decision. He had a feeling things with his son were going to get rocky very soon and he was thankful to have someone in his corner.

She put a hand on his arm, leaning forward earnestly. "I'm sorry to have shocked you with this. I just thought you should know."

He met her eyes. "Thank you," he said simply. No further words were needed.

"I should probably head back to my office," she said softly, a smile pulling the corners of her mouth up slightly.

"Stay," he said immediately. "They won't miss you for another hour. It's always nice to have an hour to just relax and not talk business."

She sank back into the couch, smiling fully now. "Maybe I will have that drink after all Bill."

XXX

"What do you mean 'we can'? Don't you want ..." Lee stopped, unable to make himself say the words._ Don't you want me? Don't you love me?_

"Of course I do," she whispered, "it's just .."

"What? Whatever it is, we can work through it, I know we can." He leaned forward earnestly so he was only inches from her face. "Love can conquer anything Kara. Let it."

She reached up and caressed his cheek. "I'd like to think so," she said softly. "But think of everything we've been through, everything we've done to each other. That's a lot of baggage Lee."

"I know, but we can do it if we try."

"I hope so. But I think it's going to take time. We need to take it slowly, build up that trust we were talking about before. We lost it somewhere along the line and we need it before we can go any further."

"So you're saying we should wait?"

"For now, yes. I still have to heal and deal with all my issues, including Sam. You've got your own issues with Dee and probably your father once he gets wind of your divorce. Let's just stick to being friends till we can get past that, okay? Then we can figure out where to go from there." She shook her head. "I'm just not ready to deal with more yet."

His eyes caressed hers with a warmth she hadn't felt in a long, long time. "Sounds like a good plan to me," he whispered.

She smiled. "I am capable of them once in a while. I don't always fly by the seat of my pants you know."

"Especially when you're not wearing any," he shot back quickly. The air became charged as the old familiar sexual tension crackled between them.

He leaned forward and gave her a perfunctory hug. "As friends," he whispered. "I'm glad to have you back."

She let her arms slide up and encircle his neck. "Me too."

Kara closed her eyes, savouring the moment to it's fullest. For the first time, perhaps ever, they were on the same page at the same time.

It felt good.

The hatch opened suddenly and Dee stepped into the room. It cooled several degrees almost immediately.

"I thought so," she said, accusation and tears audible in her voice. Her green eyes fixed themselves on Lee's blue ones, projecting hurt loud and clear. "How could you do this to me?"

_** TBC **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams - Part 6**_

Kara's heart dropped down to her toes. This was the point where Lee would turn to jelly and grovel to get back in Dee's good graces. She just knew it. It was one of his main flaws - he couldn't stay firm in the face of a hurting woman. Even if she was just acting.

Kara was certain she was. It wasn't like she hadn't expected the divorce papers - well maybe she hadn't expected it to go that far, but certainly her marriage to Lee was rocky at best. The affair wasn't publicly talked about but nor was it a secret either. More of an open secret. And the fact that Lee had spent many evenings at Joe's bar lately and had talked with some of the patrons about how rocky his marriage was meant it shouldn't have come as a surprise that Lee wanted out.

It irked her that Dee had such a hold over him though. She could see it written all over his mobile face - he loved _her_ but he wanted to make it right with Dee so he wouldn't be hurting her. She wished he could just be cut and dried - it's over, period. Leave me alone.

But he wouldn't be Lee Adama if he wasn't the caring soul he was. He could certainly be selfish at times but he had real troubles hurting people and often went along with things he didn't agree with in order not to rock the boat. She hoped he wouldn't let Dee sway him. Though she'd told him she just wanted to be friends that was the last thing she wanted - her and Lee to be friends while he repaired his marriage. No, Kara wanted him all to herself!_ Come on Lee, don't be a pushover! Don't let her pity act get under your skin! _she urged silently.

"Dee, it's not what you think."

"Really. Then what is it?"

"We're just friends."

Dee nodded, disbelief in her cloudy green eyes. "Uh huh. Just like you were friends before, after she came back from New Caprica. After the Dance."

Lee coloured. "Okay, I'll admit we weren't just friends then but that's over now," he explained.

Dee didn't seem to buy it. "Sure doesn't look that way to me. You and Starbuck have an affair, you serve me with divorce papers and when I come looking for you I find you in her arms. Seems like you're leaving me for her." She crossed her arms over her chest, eyes flashing fire at Kara. She held Dee's gaze without flinching, unable to attack but unwilling to back down. This ... _Lee_ was worth fighting for.

Something in Lee seemed to snap into place suddenly and he drew himself up proudly. "I love Kara, always have. I was wrong to marry you Dee and I think we need to end it."

"So you're leaving me for her."

"Like I said, we're just friends." he shot a quick glance at Kara then looked back at Dee. "Knowing us it won't stay that way, so yes, I guess I am leaving you for her."

"What do you suppose your father's going to say?"

"He'll say whatever he'll say. It's my life and he doesn't have any say in what I do."

Dee sniffed, haughty nose up in the air. "Your reputation might not sit so well with some when they find out what you've done."

Kara seethed at the subtle threat.

Lee just shrugged. "My reputation has been taking a beating for a while now. I'm sure one more thing isn't going to make much difference."

Dee's eyes shifted back and forth between them. "Fine," she sniffed. "I'll sign the papers and give them back to Mr. Lampkin right away." She turned and pulled the hatch open, yanking it fiercely.

"I'm sorry," Lee said quietly to her back. She stopped a beat but didn't answer. Then she slammed the hatch behind her.

Kara relaxed her uptight body and let out a huge sigh. She covered her face with her hands.

"You okay?" Lee asked, putting a hand on her shoulder in concern.

She nodded. "That ranks high up there with other experiences I'd rather not have had," she said, words coming out slightly garbled.

Lee sat heavily down beside her. "That makes two of us." He began to chuckle. Kara moved her hands enough to give him a sideways look, not getting why he was laughing. It was infectious though - she began to chuckle too.

After their laughter subsided they were left staring at one another.

"So where do we go from here?" Lee asked, eyes deep and dark.

"We take it one day at a time."

XXX

They did.

Each day saw Kara's health improve and her strength return. It was slow, but progress was happening and for that she was thankful. She felt less sore and achy and more restless and hungry. For what, she wasn't quite sure, as she was eating well. She ate her meals with gusto, frequently exchanging grins with Helo across the mess. He often came to tease her while she ate and she was reminded of how good it was to have good friends.

The nights were hardest.

Lee had slept in the bunkroom from the day he'd left his wife, and though she found it comforting to know he was close by, the tension made it difficult to relax enough to sleep. A week had gone by and he hadn't approached her in any way outside of friendship, but just knowing he was there, across the room and behind the curtain, was enough to make it hard for her to focus on anything else. Thank goodness he hadn't been forward with her - she wasn't sure in her current state of vulnerability that she could have refused him.

As Lee was dressing to leave for a shift she stood and walked over to him. She touched his arm gently. "Can I come?"

He turned his head to face her, concern darkening his eyes. "I don't know if you're strong enough for that yet," he said softly.

"Please," she implored. "I don't think I can stand another day locked up here with nothing to do. At least let me hang out in your office for a while and do paperwork."

His eyes began to twinkle. "Am I hearing correctly? _ Starbuck_ is begging to do paperwork?"

She hit him. Hard.

"Ouch!"

"You don't know what it's like being stuck here day after day, just lying in bed."

"I should think it would be a nice vacation after all the work you've put in the last couple of years," he teased, shutting his locker and straightening his jacket.

"It's not," she replied vehemently. "I need something to do so I don't just sit here thinking about ..." She stopped, not sure if she could or even wanted to vocalize her feelings about her inability to have children.

Lee seemed to understand. His eyes grew liquid, as though filling with tears. "Okay," he said quietly. "But if you overdo it and end up in bed again I'm going to punish you." He smiled.

"Okay," she whispered, involuntarily stepping closer. Their noses were nearly touching, both sets of eyes drifting from eye to mouth and back. She felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him, as though an unseen hand was pushing her head closer, closer ...

He backed away, breathing heavily. "We should go. I don't want to be late."

"Okay" she breathed, trying to still her rapidly beating heart. _ Just friends,_ she reminded herself._ We're just friends. _But no matter how much she might tell herself that (and she was thinking it was going to have to be pretty damned often from now on) she knew 'just friends' wasn't going to last. There was so much more there, just simmering beneath the surface. All it took was the right conditions to boil over ...

When they reached his office Lee handed her the flight roster. "You know all the pilots and their capabilities probably better than I do. Can you work out a shift schedule for next week?"

"Piece of cake," she said, smiling as she sat in his chair and gingerly lifted her feet up onto the desk.

"Don't even think it," he growled. "What I wouldn't give for a_ real_ piece of cake ..."

"Birthday cake made of algae isn't good enough for you?"

"No!"

She laughed. "I promise you that when we find Earth, if we do, I'll get you a super-spectacular birthday cake made with loads of sugar and chocolate," she said.

"What if they don't have sugar and chocolate there?"

Kara's expression became firm. "Then we'll turn around and find someplace else that does."

It was Lee's turn to laugh. "I like your thinking. I'll second you on that one." He checked his watch. "Frak! I was supposed to be up on the flight deck five minutes ago." He leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Don't work too hard. And go back to quarters when you're done. Understood?"

"Understood."

XXX

Writing flight schedules was boring. It didn't take her long to remember why she'd always hated doing them. At least with teaching the paperwork was all about deciding who had what skills and where they should be encouraged to use them. This was just taking a long list of names and slotting them in as often as possible without putting people on back-to-back shifts. Then cross-checking the lists to make sure she hadn't put anyone in two places at the same time.

She read through the pairs of Viper pilots she'd assigned to fly together for the next day's CAP. Hotdog and Racetrack, _Starbuck and Apollo_, Showboat and Popcorn, _Starbuck and Apollo_, Red and Apollo, _No! Apollo goes with Starbuck!_

She threw the pen down and sighed. It was impossible to work here in Lee's territory where everything she saw and smelled reminded her of him.

Her eyes darted from the pen she'd thrown carelessly on the desk (the one the Old Man had given him for graduation from the Academy that he'd scoffed at yet always kept in his flight bag), to the flightsuit hung perfectly on the back of the door (Lee refused to keep his suit in the bunkroom as pilots were known for being mischevious and he hated being the brunt of their jokes when they'd switch his suit with someone else's), and finally came to rest on the bookshelf. 'Elementary Mechanics of Flying' - the one book every student had to read and learn by heart. Zak had used his older brother's copy (naturally) and when their clandestine relationship had begun they'd used it as a place to write messages to one another. During class when they were doing theory work Kara would stroll up and down the aisles, underlining sections and adding notes to help her students understand the text. In Zak's book she'd written entirely different things. 'My place, 8pm' or 'Dinner tonight, you're cooking'. He'd often left notes for her as well. 'You're the sexiest flight instructor ever', or 'I'm coming over to ravage you tonight'. It had made them both nearly explode with laughter.

Lee hadn't found it nearly so funny. In fact he'd been terribly angry about his precious book being used as a place for his little brother to exchange sexual innuendos with his teacher, no matter how good-looking she was. Books were sacred.

Kara laughed out loud. Lee was such an ass sometimes.

She quickly checked the rest of the roster, made a few changes and left it right in the centre of the desk where he couldn't miss it. She was beginning to feel thirsty and figured a quick trip to the mess before heading back to the bunkroom would be permissible.

It was always relatively quiet there during the day shift and today was no different. She counted eight people in total, most sitting together at a table chatting quietly. One was in the food lineup serving himself and one was sitting at a table in the corner, alone. The Admiral.

She pulled up a chair at his table after serving herself coffee, obviously surprising him.

"Kara" he said, eyes blinking as they readjusted themselves. "I didn't expect to see you here."

She smiled. "Well the bunkroom was beginning to feel like the brig so I made my escape."

"Good for you. So long as you don't overdo it."

She rolled her eyes. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

Adama leaned in conspiratorially. "Could be because we care about you and want you to get better."

Kara laughed merrily, the pain in her abdomen merely a flicker. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. If the Cylons haven't managed to kill me yet then I'm pretty sure nothing else will."

His face broke into a wide grin. "That's my Starbuck." Their eyes locked and held a gaze for a moment. Then Adama's face became serious. "Can I speak with you privately?" he asked.

"Of course."

"Let's go to my office."

She nodded and they walked in silence, slowing as they reached the last corridor. The couch had never felt so good to her weary body. She'd felt nearly as good as new till the exertion of walking here. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"Water?"

"Please."

Adama filled a small glass and handed it to her, sitting gingerly down on the couch beside her.

She took a long drink then exhaled. "So what's on your mind Admiral?"

He didn't answer immediately and she watched narrowly as his eyes roamed around the room, finally settling on the picture of him and his two boys.

"It's about Lee." She offered him the opening in a quiet voice, guessing what might be troubling him.

He nodded, eyes still firmly fixed on the photo on his desk. "Where did I go wrong?"

She shook her head. "You didn't."

He turned his head to face her. "You know about the divorce."

Kara nodded.

"He's got a failed marriage behind him now and he's giving me all the signs that he wants out of his job. I thought he had it all - a good position in the military, respect, authority, a wife ... why is he giving it all up?"

"You're asking _me_?" Her cheeks pinked, suffusing her face with warmth.

"You know him better than anyone."

He wasn't stupid, she had to give him that. Which meant he probably already knew the answers to his questions ... if he was willing to be honest with himself and face the truth. That was never an easy thing to do - Lords knew she'd always had real difficulty with it. He probably wanted to hear it from her lips, just to confirm what he already suspected.

"He never wanted to be in the military. He did it to please you and he's stuck with it ever since the holocaust because his skills were needed."

"But he's_ good._ He's got an innate sense of right and wrong and an ability to have people follow him. That's a real gift. His skill in a Viper is only second to yours - maybe even equal, why would he want to give it up?"

"I dont' think he wants to give up flying, he just doesn't enjoy following the chain of command."

"Could have fooled me. I thought that was more your style."

Kara smirked. "He just hid it better."

"What about Dee?"

The colour in her cheeks deepened. That was one thing she didn't want to talk to him about. Her, Lee, Dee, Sam ... it was all a huge mess and she was sure he'd never understand. But she'd made a vow to try to be honest about things and it had worked wonders with Lee, so maybe it was time to give it a chance with his father.

She took a deep breath. "He never loved her."

The familiar eyebrow of disbelief faced her. "Really."

"Really."

"Then why did he marry her?"

Kara's cheeks grew very red. "Because he wanted me and I turned him away."

Adama's eyes opened wide. "That's no reason to marry someone else."

"Yes it is."

He gave her a flat-out cynical stare. "You understand his reasons?"

She nodded slowly. "They're the same reasons I stayed with Sam as long as I did. Space is cold, lonely. Life is unpredictable and short. It's better to have someone than no one."

He digested her words a few minutes before continuing. "Then why is he divorcing her now?"

She didn't answer right away. The expression on his face changed as her words registered - _' they're the same reasons I stayed with Sam as long as I did'. _

"Because he has you. Is that it? Is he leaving his wife for_ you_?"

The inflection on the word you made her blood nearly boil. She stood, angry defiance twisting her usual good-natured smile into a grimace. "Yes, he's leaving his wife for _me_. And you'd best start getting used to the idea because there's a good chance he'll be marrying _me _someday."

_** TBC **_


	7. Chapter 7

_** The Light Inside Your Dreams - Part Seven **_

"You actually_ said_ that?"

Kara's cheeks pinked a little and it had nothing to do with Lee's proximity in the enclosed bunk.

"Yeah, well ... it made me angry to hear him talk about you like you were such a screw-up. Like you had the perfect life and you were throwing it all away. How could he not have realized how unhappy you've been? It's like he doesn't even _know_ you at all."

"He doesn't," Lee said simply, smiling at her indignant expression. "He's never considered me a real person, just an extension of himself. The only things he ever wanted for me were the things he wanted for himself."

"If I were you I'd tell him to go to Hell."

"I did remember? After Zak's death. Then Hell threw us back together and now we're stuck." He paused to take a deep breath. "And maybe that's part of why I want out. I've been trying to live the life my father wants me to live and I just can't do it anymore. I need to get away and be my own person. Make my own choices. If he thinks they're the wrong ones, well that's just too bad for him."

Kara's smile wavered, then died. "Obviously he thinks I'm the wrong choice for you," she said, voice sounding quieter as the noise outside the bunk grew.

He reached for her hand and enclosed it, threading his fingers through hers. "He doesn't know me Kara. If he doesn't know anything about who I am inside how could he know what's best for me?" He squeezed gently. "I know what I want, and I know I want you." He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. He pulled back a few seconds later and their eyes met, breath mingling for a moment.

"I think my outburst earlier is going to make dinner tonight a little uncomfortable," she said somewhat apologetically, pulling away before her lips made the decision to visit his.

Lee shrugged. "It needed to be said. I should have been the one to tell him everything and not leave it up to you." He caught her eyes again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Honesty is the best policy, isn't that how it goes now? If I'm going to live like that then I'm going to have to get used to people not liking what I have to say." She swallowed, putting on a brave face. "At least he hasn't cancelled dinner ... so I guess he can't be that mad."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. And if anyone has to take the heat for my decisions, it's me. I won't let him attack you. I promise."

She almost smiled at his solemnity. "Such a gentleman," she teased.

Lee grinned sheepishly. They both knew he'd never been much of a gentleman when it came to her. "If you can try to be honest all the time then I can try to be gentlemanly."

"Tell me again why we're tormenting ourselves like this?" she quipped, suddenly becoming aware of the fact that their hands were still entwined. Her cheeks began to flush hotly.

"Because it's time for change." He squeezed her hand again. "I have to go for CAP now but I'll be back to pick you up after I shower. We'll go to my dad's together okay?"

She felt the chivalrous gesture deeply and appreciated it even more though she'd never have been willing to admit it. Truth be told, she was a little afraid to face the Old Man after standing up to him and walking out the way she had.

" 'Kay," she murmured, hand seemingly lifting off her lap of it's own accord as Lee failed to let go. He noticed their joined hands suddenly and loosened his grip, smiling shyly as his cheeks flushed.

Then he was gone.

** XXX**

The butterflies were threatening to tear her stomach apart. She felt the old familiar urge to run, ingrained in her since childhood when she'd learned to fear confrontation unless she was in a position to win.

Lee seemed to pick up on her feelings. "You ready?"

"If I'm not now I never will be," she answered over the lump in her throat.

He smiled and knocked on the hatch, one hand moving to the small of her back and resting there. The gesture touched her every time he did it.

Adama opened it, face impassive. "Come in," he said, moving aside so they could enter.

Kara noticed the other person in the room immediately; she smelled her before the mane of red hair came into view. She felt Lee stiffen as he too became aware there was someone else there. He relaxed as soon as he caught sight of Roslin tucked away in the corner of the couch. Kara wondered if perhaps he'd feared his father had invited Dee to the 'family' dinner. She'd known from the scent that it was Roslin - her perfume was delicate but elegant. Not the sort of stuff Dee wore even when fancied up. It suited Laura Roslin to a T - strong, elegant, no-nonsense yet delicate and not overwhelming.

"Good evening Madam President," Lee said politely.

She inclined her head towards them with a smile. "Lee, Kara. So nice to see you off-duty. It's rare that we get a chance to have a social evening together."

"Madam President," Kara murmured, ducking her head back deferentially.

Adama shut the hatch and joined them, ostentatiously pointing them towards the chairs while he sat beside Roslin on the couch. _ He's using her as a support for his position,_ Kara thought with a sudden flash of insight. _Without her it would be two against one. He invited her to make sure he had someone in his corner_. She began to feel uncomfortable. She searched his face but it gave her no clues as to how he was feeling.

Roslin opened the evening with some rather light conversation about the music playing in the background. Within a short time the food had arrived and they retired to the table. What sparse conversation they'd been having was reduced to mere politeness of table manners. The air was decidedly frosty.

Kara shivered inwardly. She felt as though she were on pins and needles, picking her way carefully through a field of landmines. She was afraid to say much of anything lest she start trouble, yet she was also afraid to say nothing, lest her silence be interpreted as rude.

Adama forestalled her anxiety by handing the reins directly to her. "So Kara, how are you doing?"

She swallowed her mouthful quickly. "Fine. Much better. I hope to be back out there sooner than the Doc predicted."

He smiled tightly. "That's good to hear. How are you doing emotionally? I mean this isn't just an injury you recover from and then get right back into the cockpit."

"I know," she said in a small voice.

"This is going to affect you for the rest of your life."

"I'm aware of that sir," she said, feeling trapped, as though he were cornering her. "I wasn't planning on having kids anyway so it really doesn't bother me."

Lee reached under the table and took her hand, squeezing it tightly. He always knew when she was lying. She blinked repeatedly as her eyes began to sting. Lee knew her too well.

She cleared her throat, hoping she could keep her voice steady. "I just want to get fit and back to work as soon as possible."

"Well that's to be commended. All officers should have that same devotion to duty."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Kara stole a glance at Lee. There were twin red spots on his cheekbones and his chin was thrust forward aggressively.

"Devotion to one's duty is the most important thing you can hold to. It shows the true measure of a person if he can rise to the challenges, meet them and rise above."

"Are you referring to me?" Lee asked pointedly.

"I'm sure he didn't mean ..." Roslin began, obviously trying to use her diplomatic skills to smooth the rapidly ruffling feathers.

"Yes I did," Adama interrupted, gloves off now. "Where's your devotion to your job and your desire to do the best you can? Why have you been such a slacker lately? Where did your work ethic go?"

"I don't know dad," Lee returned, voice pitched low and angry. "Maybe the Cylons nuked it back on Caprica. That might explain why nothing I've done has been good enough for you since then."

"That's not funny and you know it."

"It wasn't meant to be."

Kara stole a glance at Roslin. She was clearly just as uncomfortable at the growing argument between father and son. And just as helpless to stop it.

"You've done what I've ordered you to do but you haven't given one ounce more of your own free will. How do you think that makes you look? Do you think it inspires those serving beneath you?"

"Maybe they see me as a man filling his position and doing his duty to his crew and to humanity," Lee countered.

"I'm sure they don't see you as a man who's committed his life to the military and holds it in higher regard than anything else."

"Has it ever occurred to you that I don't _want_ to be here? That this isn't what I wanted to do with my life?"

Adama stood suddenly, nearly knocking his chair backwards. "Then why the hell did you enlist?" he roared.

Lee followed his lead, anger sizzling openly between them like an electrical storm. "Because it was what _you_ wanted me to do!"

"Well then maybe you should get out if you're not willing to commit yourself!"

"I did! I spent years going through the Academy, through War College .. and I've stepped into the roles that needed to be filled after the holocaust. I've done my duty and I've put my ass out there on the line daily to save the lives of people I don't even know!"

"That's all part of the job," Adama said sternly when Lee stopped to take a breath.

"Yeah, but it's a job I don't want to be doing. Never did but I felt I had to. No more," Lee shook his head. "I'm not going to keep on being miserable so I can live out someone else's dream. I have my own dreams and plans for my life and it's time I lived them."

Kara applauded inwardly. It was about time! She'd always felt restraint coming from Lee when she'd dealt with the pair of them, like there had always been more he wanted to say but was afraid to say it because he didn't want to cause more conflict between them. She knew though, only too well how bitter and miserable you became when you constantly hid behind a facade and never let your true self out. She'd seen it in him before, when he'd been so far down he'd told her he didn't want to live any longer. His descent into lethargy and binge eating while she'd been down on New Caprica gave testament to his feelings of worthlessness and despair then as well. Living a life you didn't want to be living with someone you didn't want to be with did nothing but make you miserable. She knew that from personal experience as well.

It was time they both took that lesson to heart and _lived_ for a change.

The silence seemed interminable. Adama finally broke it. "What am I supposed to do without you?" The naked honesty in his words nearly broke her heart.

Lee shrugged. "There are plenty of people who could do the job. I was planning on suggesting Kara take my place once she's able."

"She'll do just fine," Adama said, somewhat distractedly. "I'm going to miss working with you. You've always made me proud."

Kara almost felt like she was intruding on a private moment. He'd never come out and said so in so many words, but she'd always felt that Lee wished he'd had more unconditional love and praise from his father. She glanced at him - he was pale but composed. She watched as he swallowed hard, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely. "But all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me for who I am, not what I do."

Adama flushed but didn't answer. Both women watched as they stared at one another. Roslin braved the first move.

She walked over and stood beside Lee, touching his arm gently. "You've become a wise young man. I support your decision wholeheartedly. You've given your best in this capacity but it's time to try something different. Do you have anything in mind for your future?"

He turned to face her, a half-smile gracing his flushed face. "I was thinking of politics perhaps. If you could find a place for me."

Kara watched the Old Man narrowly. She was sure he was angry at Roslin's apparent defection but he hid it well. She sighed quietly. Maybe in time he'd come to accept Lee's decision to change his life. She hoped so anyway - there weren't many who had family with them still. It would be a shame if the two who did couldn't find a way to get along.

"I'm sure that could be arranged," Roslin said lightly. "You're a talented, hard-working man and I can always use that."

"You'll stay until Kara is ready to take over?" There was a pleading tone in Adama's voice. Another flash of insight hit her._ He's afraid he's losing Lee. He's trying to hold on so he doesn't lose his only son. If only he knew letting go would make Lee that much more eager to come back to him!_

Lee turned to face his father again. "Of course. I'll stay as long as you need me."

The smile they exchanged was small, almost imperceptible in fact, but it was genuine. The knot clenching Kara's heart loosened a little.

"Oh, and dad, there's something else I need to tell you." Lee swallowed hard. "Dee and I are getting a divorce."

Kara was proud of him for saying it. It wasn't like everyone in the room didn't already know, but he'd worked up the courage to stand up in front of his father and admit that he'd made a mistake. It was a first for him as far as she knew.

"I guess it's for the best if it wasn't working out," Adama murmured. Kara could tell the admission was painful for him. She was proud of him as well for making it. Completely changing his view of Lee's life was going to be tough for him but he was obviously going to make the effort.

"I guess we all screw up sometimes," she offered, blinking the tears back. Hopefully her words would help unite them. They all looked at her.

"I guess we do," Adama said gently, smiling at her.

"And we all need to learn from our own mistakes," Roslin added. "That's why we have to make them."

There was another long pause as eyes met, but it wasn't uncomfortable and hostile as before.

Adama looked at Kara, the only one still sitting at the table, and made the peace offering. "Why don't we rejoin Kara and all have some dessert?"

_** TBC **_

**A/N: **You know I have to confess it's rather disheartening when out of 350 people reading this chapter only one can be bothered to say anything about it. Do the rest of you hate it so much you don't have one kind thing you could say? And what about the 23 that have put this story on their alert list - if you like it enough to want an alert every time there's a new chapter, why can't you be bothered to actually make a comment once in a while?

As a note, this is the last story I'll be posting here. I'm finding the lack of enthusiasm here to depressing.


	8. Chapter 8

_**The Light Inside Your Dreams - Part Eight**_

**A/N: **I know it's taken me a long time to update this and I'm sorry for the long wait. I don't know how many times I've opened up and read the first part of the chapter that I wrote 2 months ago and just couldn't figure out what to write next. Many thanks for your patience! I hope the rest comes quickly and that I don't make you wait so long for the next update. :)

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The bunkroom was quiet when they returned from dinner several hours later. A few pulled curtains signaled sleeping pilots so Lee and Kara kept the noise to a minimum as they undressed for bed.

Kara couldn't help but sneak a peek at Lee as he changed. Propriety dictated that one was supposed to turn one's back but it was hard to resist when that someone was immensely attractive, next-to-naked and only a few feet away.

The muscles in his back and shoulders rippled as he folded his clothes and lifted them up to the shelf. She felt a spark of desire run through her and forced herself to turn away._ Slowly, _she reminded herself. _We need to take things slowly._ Mind and body had never really acted in unity for her though, and it was a real struggle not to take those few steps and initiate something.

"Goodnight Kara," Lee called softly over his shoulder. "Sleep well."

Kara sat on her bunk and watched him climb in. "Lee," she said involuntarily as he lay down. He turned his head towards her, a questioning look in his eye. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," he answered, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bunk.

"Come here." She tiled her head in towards her bunk. He came without a word and crawled in beside her. She shut and fastened the curtain behind him. They stared at one another for a few moments.

"What's on your mind?"

She drew a deep breath, fighting the butterflies that had come back in full force. "You're not going to be living on Galactica anymore once you go work for the President."

She saw the recognition dawn in his eyes. "Oh, I guess not."

"So how are we going to do this?"

He took her hands in his. "Trust me. I'm not letting you go this time. We're going to make time to be together. You'll be the CAG, you'll be writing the flight schedules so you can make sure you're available when I am."

She smiled. "How am I supposed to know when you're available?"

He smiled back, a dimple forming in his cheek. "I'll send you notes."

"Promise?" Her eyes sparkled as one side of her mouth pulled up in a smirk.

"Promise." He leaned forward slightly till their breath mingled. Kara licked her bottom lip unconsciously as her eyes danced across his face. Then she leaned forward and kissed him.

He didn't hesitate but responded enthusiastically, deepening the kiss.

She pulled back a few minutes later. "I was planning on us taking things slowly," she reminded herself aloud.

"Doesn't seem to be working, does it?" Lee whispered back.

"Nope." She captured his lips again and before she was aware of it, they were lying down, bodies intertwined on the blankets.

"Slowly really doesn't seem to be working," she said breathlessly, a few minutes later.

He cupped her face softly. "It's okay. This is as far as we're going to go for now. We should wait until you're properly healed before we go any further."

"Okay."

They lay in each other's arms for a long while, Kara listening to the beating of Lee's heart through his chest. It was warm, comforting and constant. Something she'd never really wanted before but craved now. It wasn't long before the hum of the ship and his heartbeat merged and lulled her to sleep.

** XXXXX**

The days passed and the weeks, all of them much the same. She'd woken the morning after they'd spent the night together to find him gone and a note left behind. She'd breathed a huge sigh of relief that the awkwardness of waking up together had been alleviated.

It had been the only night they'd slept in the same bunk in the three weeks that had passed but Kara had spent a number of those nights staring across the bunkroom at Lee's sleeping form, wishing there was a way they could sleep like that every night without it rapidly turning into more. As the days flew and her incision healed, things had grown more heated between them. She couldn't really speak for him exactly, but she'd felt much more of a pull physically and from the increasing stares and random touches he'd favoured her with she was pretty certain he was feeling it too.

He'd allowed her to take on more and more responsibility as assistant CAG and she'd accepted it willingly. Boredom was something she didn't handle well and weeks of sitting doing almost nothing all day long had driven her nearly mad. The beat of the hangar deck grew much more relaxed with her around, as though she were the barometer of the ship and when she was off-kilter everything else was unsteady. Lee had mentioned it to her, telling her how thankful he was that she was back as things had been much more tense while she was absent.

"Hey Starbuck," Helo called out, as he walked towards Kara, currently halfway into one of the Raptor's engines.

"Mmf," she replied, pulling her head out to stare at him.

"When are you going to be back out there? We miss you."

"Frakking soon I hope," she answered grumpily, taking the wrench she'd been holding between her teeth away and tossing it in the tool box. "My poor bird has been grounded for weeks!"

"And you're dying to get out there too. You've got that look in your eyes liked a caged animal desperate to get out."

She grinned and gave him a playful punch on the arm as she walked by. "You know me too well."

"Yeah, I know enough to stay away from the bars or I'll get bitten." He elbowed her in the ribs. "Looks like someone else isn't afraid of being bitten."

Kara laughed out loud as she followed Helo's line of sight, leading to Lee, who hastily turned away flushing as he realized they'd caught him staring. "What? That's news? We've been together several weeks already. The gossip should be fleet-wide by now."

"It's like old times."

"Huh?" She gave him the eyebrow.

"I know, I wasn't here when Apollo first came aboard but people told me what it was like between you. They were afraid the bulkheads would melt when the two of you were together in a room." Kara blushed. "Did you know there were pools going on how soon you'd end up sleeping together?"

"I'm guessing nobody won," she said softly, eyes glazing over in reminiscence. "It took a hell of a lot longer than even I thought it would."

He knew her well enough not to say anything and Kara was thankful. "Is it going well?" he asked eventually as Lee hurried away, out of their line of sight.

She nodded. "Yeah, it is. So far anyway."

He put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad. Even a pain in the butt like you deserves to be happy." She smirked and dealt him another punch. "Seriously Kara, it's good to see you smile."

Her eyes began to sting. "It's good to be happy," she said softly. "Maybe it's a good thing we waited till now for this to happen. We have no choice but to take it slowly."

"Funny, I never would have said slow and Starbuck belong in the same sentence."

She shrugged. "Fast and furious is just my way I guess."

"You have a way?"

"You bet your ass," she said saucily, pinching his. "Now get out of my way so I can get this bird done. If I don't finish by the time my shift is done the CAG's going to have _my _ass."

"I'm sure he'll like that," Helo teased, moving quickly to avoid the smack he knew was coming.

Kara smirked as she crawled back into the engine. "Smartass."

** XXXXX**

Kara watched with growing excitement as Cottle signed her medical certificate. Finally she was getting her wings back!

He turned and lit a cigarette then nodded his head towards the door. "Scram. Go fly something. But don't get in any trouble because you've used up all your time in here and I won't fix you up again."

She hopped off the examination table and gave him a half-hearted salute. "Aye aye, sir," she said, then laughed as she nearly skipped out of sickbay.

Her feet took her straight to the officer's mess, where a heated game of triad was currently in session. Picking up a chair and turning it backwards, she sat down. "Deal me in," she said saucily, winking at Hotdog who was shuffling the cards.

"Someone's in a good mood," he said, her infectious smile forcing one out of him despite the evening's losses.

"Aw, is Starbuck getting some?" one of the nuggets, sitting beside Kara, teased. He got an elbow in the ribs for his words.

"That'll teach you to mouth off to Starbuck."

Kara's cheeks grew warm as she heard Lee's voice behind her. He circled the table to stand facing her. Their eyes met and she couldn't look away.

"I'd say Starbuck isn't the only one who'll be getting some tonight," Hotdog said.

Kara wanted to blast him with some great comeback but the look in Lee's eyes silenced her. Her heart began to pound - tonight was going to be the night! she was finally better and even had the med certificate to prove it. No more holding back - it was time for them to go all the way!

She winked at Hotdog instead. "Dibs on the bunkroom tonight. You sorry lot are going to have to find somewhere else to sleep."

She turned back to Lee, their eyes meeting and sizzling. She barely even heard the chorus of 'oh fraks' and frak you Captain' through the dizzying rush of blood that pounded in her ears.

Lee opted to join the game as well, pulling a chair up opposite her and smiling his most enchanting 'come hither and frak me' smile. Bastard. It was a good thing he hadn't sat next to her or she'd have had a real problem keeping her hands to herself And then_ he_ would have been the one with the problem.

The evening was a fun one. The only people at the table were pilots, which made for a more challenging game. Pilots, by their very nature, tended to be the sort to take risks and not be morose when they didn't work out. That wasn't always the case with NCO's. Sometimes they took the fun out of betting games.

Kara came out of the game slightly better than she'd gone into it, though not nearly as well-off as she often was. The thought that the best winnings were yet to come flashed briefly through her mind as the warm pressure of Lee's body walking beside her to the bunkroom drove all over thoughts from her mind.

"Dog the hatch," she said once she'd ascertained they were alone.

Lee's gaze was questioning. "Are you sure?"

"Abso-frakking-lutely." She began to remove her clothing.

"Stop. Let me." He quickly did as she'd requested and moved close to her, sliding his fingers down her arms lightly as he pushed off her sweatshirt. "I don't know how many times I've watched you undress and wished ... " he said huskily, words catching in his throat.

"Knock yourself out Major," she said softly, body giving a small shiver at his touch. Soon they were both down to nothing but underwear. Lee's gentle fingers stopped their loving caress as he studied her abdomen, full of scars.

"So many," he murmured sadly, tracing them one by one. "So many times you've been hurt."

She shrugged. "We've all got our battle scars. That's just part of war." She touched the spot where she'd accidentally torn apart his chest and nearly ended his life. "Some scars run deeper than others though."

He took her hand, clasping it and holding it over his heart. Their eyes met. "You know I never blamed you for this. I was angry and frustrated at what had happened, but I never blamed you for shooting me."

"I know. I blamed myself enough for both of us."

"You shouldn't have."

She swallowed. "Things have never been easy when it comes to us, have they?" she whispered.

Lee's other hand lifted to her cheek to push back the hair that was falling in her face. "No. But they don't have to be difficult anymore. It can be easy if we let it." He paused a moment, thumb stroking her cheek. "Do you want this?"

Kara nodded without hesitation.

"So do I," he whispered, leaning forward to catch her lips. "Let it be simple." And it was. For a time everything was forgotten in the joy of the moment and in being together.

Afterwards, she lay beside him with her hand on his chest, running her fingers through the damp hair. "We should probably move back to our own bunks now," she murmured, pushing herself up.

"Why?"

"Why?" she echoed.

Lee lifted himself up onto his elbows to look at her. "Why not just stay here for the night?"

"Well, because we have to unlock the door and clean up our clothes ... "

"We can do that and still sleep in the same bunk."

"Yeah, I know," she said hesitantly.

"Everyone already knows about us, it's not like we have to keep it a secret."

Her eyes darted around and she twisted her fingers nervously.

"Is it the intimacy that you're afraid of?" he asked softly. "Sex is okay but snuggling isn't?"

Kara stepped out of the bunk and grabbed her underclothes, hastily putting them back on.

"Kara please," Lee begged. "Don't shut me out." He swung his legs over the bunk and stood up behind her. "I want to share everything with you."

She turned around to face him. "I don't know if I can ... "

He grasped her by the upper arms. "You did it with Zak. I know, he used to write letters telling me how wonderful you were, that you were the perfect woman for him - that you shared everything together."

Tears came into her eyes. "Yeah, and I lost him."

"Is that what you're afraid of? That you'll lose me? I promise you that's never going to happen."

"You can't promise that," she retaliated, voice shaky with tears. "Any day could be your last."

"The same can be said for you. More so - I'm retiring from flying and taking on a less dangerous job. I should be the one worrying about losing _you_." A single tear escaped and wound it's way down her cheek. "Let's not worry about what might be. Let's just take each day as it comes and spend time together whenever we can. That's the best we can do in the times we live in."

She let herself fall forwards into his arms. "I'm scared Lee," she confessed. "I haven't done this whole relationship thing - I mean really done it right, in such a long time that is just seems so hard."

"It's not hard," he said, kissing her hair. "Remember your new life motto - be honest. Just be honest about how you feel. If you want something, don't let fear get in the way."

She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "How did you get so wise?"

Lee shrugged, smiling into her eyes. "Beats me. I guess I've just made enough mistakes to recognize something right when I see it." He leaned forwards and kissed her gently. "And I know this is right."

He quickly tidied up the room and unlocked the door, then led her back to his bunk and lay them both down. "Trust me Kara. When you were vulnerable and hurting you trusted me and I was there for you. I know it's hard for you to trust when you feel you should be able to take care of yourself, but I promise I'll always be there for you. You don't have to be scared anymore."

She nodded and touched his cheek gently, then lay down in his open arms, a feeling she hadn't felt in so long she'd almost forgotten it, creeping over her and leaving her warm and happy inside.

**TBC**


End file.
